Woman 'taught place' by technology

"I felt a mysterious, irresistible urge to start walking to the right whenever the researcher turned the switch to the right. I was convinced -- mistakenly -- that this was the only way to maintain my balance."



Maybe we can also convince them -- mistakenly! -- to do weird sex things instead of moaning about having headaches. The remote needs a big red button that is the "DO SEX" button. Once the technology has been completed and miniaturised, it can be placed discretely inside normal headphones and womankind will be COMPLETELY UNDER OUR CONTROL.

A remote control that controls humans - Innovation - MSNBC.com

The Orange SPV C600

We nearly got an Orange SPV C550, so this is intereting news for us! The SPV C600 features Windows Mobile 5.0, which is what Microsoft wants everyone to eventually have on their mobile phones. It's also got loads more features to use once, then not ever use again and forget how to use at all:



That's a 320x240 screen which is nice, but it only has a 1.3 megapixel camera which isn't so nice. The rest of what it can do we don't care about, as we'd only use it for sending three text messages a week and seeing what the time is.

ALL WE USE OUR AMAZING NOKIA 6680 SUPER SMART PHONE FOR NOW THE NOVELTY'S WORN OFF:

- We use the 'Alarm' feature for waking up in the morning.
- We use the 'Clock' on the front for seeing what the time is.
- We send about three text messages a week.
- We sometimes look at the signal strength when we're in unusual places, making a mental note of how good the 3G network is.
- We occasionally write an 'idea' down in the 'Notes' text document.
- Which means we'd have been better off saving our money and getting an "emerging markets" Nokia 0001.

GEEK DATING SITE DELIVERS *COMEDY GOLD*

Geek dating site Geek2Geek reckons geeks are ideal partners because "their social skills are also not well developed enough to support an affair" -- which might be spot on but WE REALLY WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT being dominant alpha males (at least, on the internet).



Best viewed on something like Netscape running on Linux.

MORE GREAT GEEK2GEEK QUOTES:

"There is no appearance information on profiles (no pictures either), true geeks just don't care about looks."

"Geeks haven't formed bad relationship habits. After years of dating other people, the socially successful have become too confident to be intimate, think of partners as being only for their self-gratification, and focus on making themselves happy. None of this is true of a geek. The lack of past romantic partners allows the geek to approach lovers with the zest of a neophyte."

"Every geek has skills passionately developed over a long period of time. It could be role playing, chess, hacking, playing video games, or the ability to properly assemble a computer. So you know that geeks won't quit until they have learned how to make their relationship the best."

WE'RE 99% SURE IT ISN'T VIRAL MARKETING OR A JOKE:
Geek 2 Geek - Top 10 Reasons Why Geeks Make the Best Lovers

Dell W3706MC -- HUGE

TOP TIP: Instead of spending 1600 quid on a 37" LCD TV, why not just sit a bit closer to your existing set?



It's got HDMI, DVI and Component inputs, so you can spend more money on other things to plug into it that won't really make much of a difference either.

THE TRUTH ABOUT HD TV:
Blurry plasmas and LCDs just make normal broadcast TV look worse and your eyes hurt. Wait until your telly breaks before getting a new one, they're still pretty shit at making LCDs and plasmas. Don't blow two grand on a telly just because it looks cool! That's being MENTAL.

MP3-playing hair cameraphone (2.1 megapixel)

Now you can brush your hair, photograph your hair and listen to your hair, be it at the gym, the office or on a night out with the girls!



The press release was all in Korean again. It's probably only a 1.0 megapixel camera.

Either an alarm clock or a deep fat fryer

Or an ice cream maker, or a mini hotel room safe, or a really mini fridge, or just an electronic box.



No, wait! A DAB radio. Bet it's a DAB radio. No, hang on. It would have a bigger screen for the playlist data. It's an alarm clock then.

THE PRESS RELEASE WAS IN KOREAN AND CAME OUT WRONG SO WE'LL NEVER KNOW:

쿠쿠, 부방, 웅진이 장악한 한국밥솥시장에 Toshiba(도시바) 도전장 내!!
[ 곽민정 2005-10-26 ]
[AVING-KOREA] 도시바코리아(대표 차인덕)는 ‘원적외선세라믹 다이아몬드티탄코팅’ 방식을 적용한 밥솥(모델명 SD-5GSK)을 내달 10일 한국시장에 선보인다고 밝혔다.

‘원적외선세라믹 다이아몬드티탄코팅’은 알루미늄 세라믹코팅 위에 먼저 불소언더코팅을 하고 그 위에 다시 다이아몬드티탄코팅을 한 후 25,000도로 굽는 제조방식이다. 도시바의 코팅기술이 세계최고인 이유가 바로 제조방식이 다르기 때문이라는 게 회사측의 설명이다.

이 제품은 통가열방식임에도 불구하고 쌀의 중심부까지 수분을 통과시키는 밥솥 기술을 적용, ‘IH’밥솥 수준의 밥맛을 내며 밥의 단맛을 극대화시켜 준다고 회사 관계자는 덧붙였다.

한편 쿠쿠, 부방, 웅진 등 밥솥의 강자가 포진하고 있는 한국시장에서 어떻게 도시바 밥솥을 부각시킬 것이냐는 질문에 대해 도시바코리아 관계자는 “한국제품과 경쟁하기보다는 소량, 고가전략으로 차별화된 판매전략을 준비 중이며 향후 계속 새로운 모델을 선보일 계획”이라고 밝혔다.

가격 159,000원, 색상은 메탈실버와 화이트 두 종류이다.

Thing-holding CHEAT kicked out

The thing-holding scene was ROCKED by scandal today, with the expulsion of two-times Asia-Pacific champion Wu-Yun Chen.

Wu-Yun, pictured below, was found to have undergone surgery to add an additional hand:



The surgical addition of extra hands was banned from all thing-holding competitions in 1987, following the calamitous ‘87 World Championships where a heavily modified Soviet Union team swept the board and took all 18 medals.

Wu-Yun is stressing her innocence and has vowed to fight the expulsion and clear her name, claiming the third hand "grew naturally".

Nokia unveils three new solutions as part of its ongoing drive to help operators enhance their service offerings, win and retain customers

For every exciting mobile phone press release we get ten of these fucking things about "business" and "solutions" to problems Nokia invents itself just so it can sell the solutions to them. Just so you know.

Think of this update as a bonus DVD 'Making Of...' extra -- it's rubbish but free.

NOKIA PRESS RELEASE October 26, 2005

Nokia bolsters its Services portfolio with 3 new solutions

Trio of tools for operators underlines Nokia's commitment to its growing Services business

Espoo, Finland - Nokia today unveiled three new solutions as part of its ongoing drive to help operators enhance their service offerings, win and retain customers, and check costs in ever-toughening markets.

Nokia's Service Level Management, Integrated Provisioning and Unified Device Management solution launches come ahead of the November 2-3 Nokia Mobility Conference in Barcelona, where top management from across the company will give Nokia's view on convergence and how consumers and operators can tap into the growing trend.

"Operators increasingly need to differentiate their service offerings to keep customer satisfaction high and subscriber turnover low. These solutions allow them to do just that," says Bosco Novak, Senior Vice President for Services, Networks, Nokia. He adds: "Convergence will mean greater technological challenges for operators, and here also our new solutions will make life easier for our customers."

The Nokia Service Level Management Solution allows operators to set and monitor service levels with key customers to ensure that the agreed service quality will be met or exceeded. The solution gives operators visibility to their most important clients so that service quality remains high, increasing customer satisfaction and loyalty. Churn can be reduced and revenues increased.

The Nokia Integrated Provisioning Solution enables holistic service, subscription and device management, and also provides tools and processes ranging from product planning to fulfillment and customer service deployment. The solution enables cost-effective integration and co-operation in an increasingly complex IT environment for operators.

The Nokia Unified Device Management Solution lets operators serve their clients easily and cost-effectively, enabling over-the-air SIM card management as well as providing the tools to manage PDAs and smartphones for corporate clients. It allows operators to quickly deploy the latest services to their customers, a crucial advantage in today's cutthroat business environment.



NOKIA PRESS RELEASE October 26, 2005

Nokia launches OMA-compliant PoC and Presence at the Nokia Mobility Conference

Also demonstrates its Unified Core Network portfolio for fixed-mobile convergence

Espoo, Finland - At the Nokia Mobility Conference in Barcelona, Nokia will be highlighting its range of innovative Unified Core Network solutions for fixed-mobile convergence (FMC), as well as launching its OMA-compliant Push to talk over Cellular (PoC) and Presence solutions.

"Nokia is advancing strongly in the convergence space," says Mika Vehviläinen, Senior Vice President and General Manager, Networks, Nokia. "Nokia's portfolio of core network products and solutions offers operators one of the best fixed-mobile convergence propositions in the business. With a firm foundation in mobility and IP-based solutions as well as new offerings for Voice over IP and Unlicensed Mobile Access, our Unified Core Network is an ideal enabler for FMC."

"Our track record in providing innovative core solutions (BLAH BLAH BLAH FOR AGES).


NOKIA PRESS RELEASE October 26, 2005

A new way to build 3G - Nokia launches new WCDMA base station

Site costs dramatically cut with the modular Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station

Espoo, Finland - In anticipation of the Nokia Mobility Conference 2005, Nokia today launched the Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station. Based on a completely new platform, the high capacity Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station is an innovation enabling operators to make more efficient use of their base station sites than ever before, leading to site cost savings of up to 70 percent through reduced site construction work, quick base station installation and decreased power consumption.

The small and modular Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station makes site selection more flexible than before. Not only can it be installed both indoors and outdoors, but the Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station also supports a distributed base station architecture.

Nokia Flexi WCDMA Base Station allows for an easy technology evolution to multiradio networks, as its modules can also be fitted inside existing Nokia UltraSite EDGE Base (WE DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO BOTHER SCROLLING DOWN THIS FAR, UNLESS YOU'RE GOING DOWN TO READ THE 'GAY' COMMENTS IN THE 'GAY' THREAD).

Nokia makes FOUR new rubbish phones for foreign people!

PROOF that Nokia's saving us all the best numbers -- rubbish South America is getting four new phones, numbered 2855, 6165, 1255 and 2355. Shit numbers! Who the handsfree-fuck would want a Nokia 1255?! That shit's like from the 80s.

One of them's even described as a "monoblock". There's no way you can bluetooth ideas for comical blog updates wirelessly from a "monoblock" to a 3G Nokia 6680. Poor "emerging growth markets".

IT HASN'T SENT OUT ANY PICTURES, SO WE GOT ONE OFF THE INTERNET THAT'S A BIT LIKE THEM:



Nokia 1255 phone: A classic value

The value-priced Nokia 1255 phone packs an extra-large feature set into an extra-small package. The 80-gram phone offers productivity tools such as a two-way handsfree speakerphone, voice recorder and a calendar with an alarm clock. Other fun features include two built-in games, 20 ringtones and a selection of user-selectable screen savers. In recognition of the need to stay in touch while minimizing downtime, the Nokia 1225 phone delivers up to four hours of talk time and up to 10 days of standby time. A partial list of additional features includes:

- 250 contact phonebook
- Text messaging (HA HA! STUPID FOREIGN PEOPLE HAVE ONLY JUST GOT TEXT MESSAGING!)
- Stopwatch and countdown timer
- Internal vibrating alert
- Easy-to-use Nokia user interface (IT NEEDS TO BE HARD, BECAUSE IT'LL BE THEIR FIRST EVER MOBILE PHONE!)


Nokia 2355 phone: Low cost, high impact

Following the Nokia tradition of delivering high-impact products to all market segments, the new Nokia 2355 phone delivers an ultra-compact, color screen 78-gram fold-style phone to the entry-level market. The 128 x 128 pixel 65K color screen, built-in FM radio and integrated flashlight allow the Nokia 2355 phone to deliver a unique set of features to owners, while the ability to download BREW 1.2 or Java MIDP 1.0 content, such as ringtones, games and screensavers, offers value-added services that meet the needs of both consumers and operators. Other selected features of the Nokia 2355 phone include:

- Text and multimedia messaging
- Integrated speakerphone
- WAP 2.0 compliant browser
- 16-chord polyphonic ringtones (HA HA! THEY CAN'T SET EMINEM MP3S AS RING TONES!)
- Calendar with alarm clock


Nokia 2855 phone

Featuring a bold color palette including metallic-finish indigo or cabernet, the Nokia 2855 phone is Nokia's most affordable Bluetooth technology enabled CDMA handset. The large 128 x 160 pixel 262K color main display is perfect for viewing MMS messages and enjoying the customizable themes that make the Nokia 2855 phone unique for each owner. For maximum productivity on the go, the Nokia 2855 phone features an extensive phonebook with room for up to 500 entries - each allowing for 5 phone numbers, e-mail address, web address and a notes field per entry. Additional features of the Nokia 2855 phone include:

- Integrated handsfree speakerphone
- Voice memo recorder and voice dialing
- High-fidelity MP3/AAC ringtone support (OH.)


Nokia 6165 phone

The Nokia 6165 phone shares the strong feature set of the Nokia 2855 phone, and builds upon it by adding a full one-megapixel camera with flash and built-in infrared technology to provide support for all major types of connectivity - Bluetooth, USB cable, and infrared. Support for location-based services allow the Nokia 6165 phone to take advantage of mobile applications that take advantage of positioning information for accessing information on nearby points of interest, directions and more. Other unique features of the Nokia 6165 phone include:

- Support for capturing, sending and viewing video
- Classic design with bright chrome accents
- Streaming video (THIS ONE SOUNDS ALL RIGHT. MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE LEFT IT OFF BECAUSE IT KIND OF SPOILS OUR "FOREIGN PEOPLE GET SHIT PHONES" JOKE)

Asian women pointing things at each other!

Mmm! If this photo was #1 in a series of 458 and posted on DailyProbingLesbos.com we'd be Bittorrenting the whole set in the background as we type! (then we'd skip the first 200; only women like "slow building" porn):



But it isn't. It's just some Asian chicks promotiong the Sony Ericsson W900 musical fat phone.

(By 'fat phone' we mean it's a phone that is fat, not that it's aimed at fat people or is in anyway inferior because of its girth. It's just a chunky handset that's a bit fat).

It's so much harder writing updates when you have to include minority-calming disclaimers at the end :(

A "Make PSP Go On TV" thing

The Blaze PSP to TV Projector is NOT A GOOD THING to buy, and, if you're reading this in the Blaze offices, NOT A GOOD THING TO DESIGN AND MANUFACTURE AND TRY TO SELL.

BECAUSE:
PSP comes with a lovely screen, it's bright and wide and makes games look fantastic, even if they're only average-at-best PlayStation2 games from five years ago. So don't use one of these:



With this, you can play worse versions of five-year-old PS2 games with a worse picture and in an awkward fashion. It makes no sense.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
"The PSP to TV Projector clips neatly to the top of the PSP, and requires NO internal modification to the console. Within seconds, your PSP games, UMD Movies, Music and Photo's are displayed on your TV!"

Nokia's "trend-inspired" mobiles, the Nokia 7360, 7370 and 7380

Yet more "fashion inspired" phones for people who live in London and work for the BBC and are gay and have blogs.

FREE ADVICE FOR NOKIA, FROM YOUR PUBLIC:
Stop poncing about with this media/fashion rubbish and start launching some decent music phones to counter the growing Sony Ericsson menace.

PS:
No one wants phones that look like this:







THE EXTREMELY GAY PRESS RELEASE:
"Each model in the L'Amour Collection offers a beautiful mix of contrasts - infusing cultural and ethnic influences with luxurious touches of the unexpected. Hints of vintage and craftsmanship, are fused with natural materials, colors and patterns, all carefully crafted and layered with a passion for detail.

Nokia 7380: A reflection of discerning taste
Sleek and seductive, the etched mirrored surface and discreet keyless dial of the
Nokia 7380 invites glances, even stares. A leather cover and a mirrored display subtly mask the sophisticated technology, which includes a 2-megapixel camera and intuitive voice dialing. The centrepiece of the L'Amour Collection, the Nokia 7380 is aimed at trend-setting men and women who enjoy being the centre of attention - and are willing to spend a little extra on the finer things in life.

Key features:
- Keyless dial
- 2-megapixel camera, 4x zoom
- Enhanced Voice Commands
- MP3 player

The estimated retail price of the Nokia 7380 is expected to be approximately €500, excluding taxes and subsidies. The Nokia 7380 is expected to be available in Q1, 2006.


Nokia 7370: Designed to make heads 'turn'
Offering a touch of the unexpected, the Nokia 7370 "swivels" open to reveal its elegantly hidden keypad. Beautiful patterns, etched into the elegant metal trims, are contrasted by leather-inspired faceplates, adding a romantic appeal and an element of the exotic. But it's not just about looks - advanced features, like a 1.3-megapixel camera and 3D sound effects, ensure the Nokia 7370 matches current technology with the latest design trends.

The Nokia 7370 is available in two color schemes, coffee brown and warm amber, with each model offering a distinct set of graphics, screensavers and even dedicated camera keys.

Key features:
- 1.3 megapixel camera, 8x zoom
- 2-inch QVGA color screen (320 x 240 pixels)
- Stereo speakers with 3D sound effects
- Video ring tones

The estimated retail price of the Nokia 7370 is expected to be approximately €300, excluding taxes and subsidies. The Nokia 7370 is expected to be available in Q1, 2006.


Nokia 7360: Charming, graceful and compact
Materials, graphics and color palette ensure this charming mobile phone stands out in a crowd. Trend-conscious men and women will appreciate the Nokia 7360's mixture of patterns and textures, which are perfectly complemented by elegant accessories, including straps and carrying pouches.

The Nokia 7360 is also available in the two signature L'Amour Collection color schemes, coffee brown and warm amber. Each model has a distinct set of graphics, screensavers and accessories.

Key features:
- Integrated VGA camera
- Stereo FM radio
- MP3 ring tones

Sony Ericsson W900 comes in black -- or white!

Mere WEEKS after the launch of the W800i Walkman phone, Sony Ericsson's done another one -- the W900. We can't tell why it's different and/or better, apart from it looks quite nice and has an inline remote on the headphone cable.



It's another Walkman phone, seeing as everyone liked the W800i so much. It seems to be much cooler though, judging by the type of people who have already got one!



That's us! That's EXACTLY US and precisely how cool we look when listening to music "on the go". We've got that same jacket, and that's what our hair goes like on the days we bother putting 'product' in it.



That inline remote is new. And quite nice. Phone looks a bit bulky, though. We'll therefore give it 7/10 based on how it looks in photos. That's above average, so well done all at Sony Ericsson!

WE CAN'T TELL WHY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT FROM THE W800i:

* 2.0 MegaPixel camera with Autofocus
* Video call camera
* Digital Still Camera user interface
* 8 x digital zoom
* LED photo light
* 240 x 320 pixel QVGA TFT display
* 2.2" 262K color display
* Video recording and full screen playback
* Adobe Photoshop Starter Edition 2.0
* Apple QuickTime Player for PC
* SMS and MMS
* Instant Messaging
* Push e-mail

* Entertainment Video Call
* PlayNow(tm) ringtones and games
* Walkman(r) player (MP3/AAC/AAC+)
* Stereo Portable Handsfree with remote control (3.5mm jack)
* 40 polyphonic tones
* Java J2ME(tm) and hardware Accelerator
* Embedded Java games: Asphalt Urban GT 3d from Gameloft, Power Ball Arcade in 3D, QuadraPop in 2D
* MegaBass(tm)
* Macromedia(r) Flash Lite(tm)
* VideoDJ(tm), PhotoDJ(tm), MusicDJ(tm)
* Disc2Phone PC Software
* PlayNow(tm) ringtones and games
* Horizontal full screen games
* FM Radio

* Connectivity Sync ML.
* HTML browser
* BluetoothTM and Infrared
* PC Suite
* USB cable in the box
* USB mass storage
* Memory Stick(tm) PRO Duo slot
* External antenna connector

When is Tokyo Flash going to do a watch we can understand how to tell the time with?

Seriously right, we're all for cool Japanese watches that look like they came back from 2029 on the wrist of Kyle Reese*, but for 100 quid we'd prefer one that we can tell the time on.



What the fuck o'clock is that meant to be? You can't even guess the hour! If you make those LEDs say numbers, like, if they say "6" when it's 6 and "35" when it's 35, THEN we'll buy one off you for 100 pounds. Not before.

Audio watch by Morse Code

*Hypothetical situation, as unshielded mechical objects can't travel in the time machine. We don't know why. Something about the field generated by a living organism. We didn't build the fucking thing.

iPod Nano GETS WOOD

iWood, of course!

(Even we sometimes stoop to using the "get wood" headline when someone makes a gadget out of wood. It has to be done, especially on Friday when all you can think about is being in bed for the next two days in a row).

It's like a little coffin for your iPod Nano:



Anyway, right, if you were recently CONNED into buying an iPod Nano instead of waiting three weeks and getting the flash new video iPod, you can mask your last-generation SHAME by covering it up with some wood. That's the whole story right there.

miniot.com

Awesome foreign broadband advert

Sometimes we like foreign people!



Looks like it's for going on the internet with. And the subtext of the image is that it's SAFE FOR CHILDREN, thanks to Multilet's amazing safety procedures.

Oh, and "bredbandsaccess" is Swedish for broadband. Now we can survive in Sweden.

Something about the video iPod because we sort of have to

All we want to say about it is it looks nice, but if Apple thinks it's going to rule the world by charging people ONE POUND to download and watch a music video, it is CLEARLY DOOMED.



A COMPLICATED JOKE WE NEARLY MADE INSTEAD:
You know how everyone's comparing this (retardedly) to Sony's PSP? We wanted to do a joke also comparing it to PSP, saying the video iPod would only play old music videos from five years ago.

Because that's like PSP, which only plays PlayStation2 games from five years ago. It would've taken ages and not been that funny and not many people would've got it. Lucky escape there.

Apple - iPod

Women love being photographed on mobile phone cameras!

This is one hell of a relief!

It's supermodel Giselle Bundchen approving of what we do on the underground every day, and we're so sure that's how you spell her name we're not even going to check.



The advert doesn't state if they prefer it being done with their permission or secretly from behind on an escalator. Hopefully it's secretly from behind on an escalator!!

Nokia makes THREE new phones for today -- E60, E61 and E70

Yay! We've got something to do an update about that's less than three days old! These are, in order, the Nokia E60, E61 and E70, three new phones aimed at businessmen.

The 'E' probably stands for electronic, like in email, because businessmen need to stay connected with the office at all times in case some business happens and they miss it.







They all look really boring, and that wide one is just a copy of the Blackberry type of phone/organiser hybrid thing. Nokia's lost it!

THE SPECS THAT MAY PROVE OTHERWISE:

The Nokia E60: A classic design with unmatched voice features
The Nokia E60 provides the uncompromised look, comfort and usability of a classically designed mobile phone. Supporting an array of advanced call features from integrated speakerphone and conference calling to voice-aided applications like Push to talk, and IP-based telephony, the Nokia E60 is the best mobile device for active voice communications - in and out of the office. The Nokia E60 offers fast and flexible data connections with WCDMA enabling wide area connections and WLAN offers a cost effective option for local access. Although optimized for one-handed use, its large color screen makes email and calendar entries easy. The Nokia E60 operates in GSM900/1800/1900 and WCDMA2100 networks.

The Nokia E61: Built for mobile email
The Nokia E61 is designed in the familiar style of today's most popular mobile email devices. Yet it is incredibly slim and packed with powerful new functionality. A cinch to use with either hand, the device has a four-way joystick and full keyboard combined with a wide 16 million color screen making mobile email easier than ever before. Supporting multiple mobile email clients like BlackBerry Connect, GoodLink, Nokia Business Center, Seven Mobile Mail, Seven Always-On Mail, and Visto Mobile, the Nokia E61 provides seamless and encrypted mobile connectivity. Full attachment handling (documents, spreadsheets, presentations, PDF viewer and ZIP manager) and an editing function (document, spreadsheet and presentation) are included. The Nokia E61 also includes the same advanced business call features and IP-based telephony functions as the Nokia E60 and Nokia E70. The Nokia E61 can send and receive emails, even when on a phone call. The Nokia E61 operates in GSM850/900/1800/1900 and WCDMA2100 networks.

The Nokia E70: The all-in-one messaging device
At first glance, the Nokia E70 looks like a modern smartphone. Open it up and find a full messaging keyboard for fast and easy thumb typing, a generous color screen for viewing emails, plus attachments (document, spreadsheet, presentation, PDF viewer and ZIP manager) and an editing function (document, spreadsheet, presentation) for staying up-to-date with the inbox. Like the Nokia E60 and Nokia E61, the Nokia E70 supports a common set of applications like advanced voice and email. Nokia will offer two versions of the Nokia E70 - one optimized for mobile networks in Europe and Asia (GSM900/1800/1900/WCDMA 2100) and one optimized for mobile networks in the Americas (GSM850/1800/1900), yet both versions are able to roam in GSM networks across regions.

Sony Ericsson P990 -- The BUSINESS MAN ON THE TRAIN's next new phone

We never liked the P800, or P900, because they were always, like, 400 quid and we only ever saw cocky businessmen using them AND they were always a bit broken thanks to that flimsy flap thing. So we stopped paying attention and don't know if they've made any more models since then.



Now they're up to P990! Which means next year they'll have to either launch a P1000 series or, like Nokia, start using rubbish lower leftover numbers no one's used yet, like, say, P283. So if you're going to get one, you might as well do it now.

THE REASONS FOR GETTING IT NOW:

- 2 Megapixel camera
- FM radio
- Memory Stick Pro Duo expansion slot
- Bluetooth and Wifi (802.11b)
- Symbian OS version 9.1
- 2.8 inch QVGA (240 x 320) touch screen with landscape view for browsing
- Opera 8 browser included
- Excel, Word, Powerpoint and Adobe PDF viewers for IMPORTANT BUSINESSMEN

Oh, but it's not out until Q1 next year.

NEC N343i -- our new gay phone!

This is the gayest phone we've ever seen!



It can't do anything exciting (you know this because it lists "T9" as an actual feature) and has only got a VGA camera (640x480) but sometimes things just look cool and pretty and like the sort of thing you'd like to have, even though they're a bit shit. You know, like the iPod.

FinePix Z2 Zoom -- Obviously for "ladies"

Look at it. It's discrete. It's slimline. It's compact. It's white. It doesn't come with a carry case because girls are supposed to stick it UP THEIR MIMSY.



WOMAN-FRIENDLY PHRASES FROM THE OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE:
- "the sensitive supermodel that's naturally slim"
- "class-leading sensitivity"
- "super-slim digital compact"
- "a chic, sleek body"
- "parties, concerts and other indoor events"
- "catwalk catastrophes"
- "sure to complement any style this season"
- "truly qualifies as an evening companion"

THE WHOLE PRESS RELEASE, SO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT MAKING IT UP:

Fujifilm FinePix Z2 Zoom: the sensitive supermodel that's naturally slim

New member of the 'Z' series adds class-leading sensitivity

Fujifilm today announced the launch of the FinePix Z2 Zoom, a super-slim digital compact offering 5.1 megapixels, a high resolution 2.5" LCD monitor and improved sensitivity up to ISO 1600, all housed within a chic, sleek body.

As anyone with an eye for the world of fashion knows, occasionally you may want to take discreet photos in low light (SHIT! PERHAPS THIS IS FOR PERVERTED STALKER-MEN AS WELL!). With an amazing sensitivity setting of ISO 1600, this model certainly won't be dropped for a poor performance.

A stylish successor to the hugely popular FinePix Z1 Zoom, this camera boasts an even higher- sensitivity performance (up to ISO 1600) meaning that clean, sharp images can be captured in low light or difficult lighting situations, such as parties, concerts and other indoor events. What's more, Fujifilm's Real Photo Processor enables users to achieve more natural-looking images, without the harsh effects often caused by camera flash - and avoiding the blurring caused by camera shake or subject movement.

The FinePix Z2 Zoom's enhanced resolution 2.5" LCD monitor has reinforced, scratch-resistant glass, making it ideal for viewing and editing images on the move.

Furthermore, the FinePix Z2 Zoom is prepared for any photographic situation with its continuous shooting feature - allowing users to follow classic sporting moments, or catwalk catastrophes, frame by frame. In addition, its smart, glossy single-shell casing - available in black or white - is sure to complement any style this season.

Designed to get you even closer to the action, the FinePix Z2 Zoom's special refractive, non-extending zoom lens gives 3x optical reach without any visible movement on the camera's flat exterior. As if that wasn't enough, the camera also incorporates Fujifilm's fifth generation Super CCD HR, meaning that large reprints can be produced without loss of image quality or detail.

A real pocket rocket, the FinePix Z2 Zoom also includes a TV-quality movie function, capable of capturing 30 frames per second VGA video with sound.

FinePix Z2 Zoom features at a glance:

* Super CCD HR sensor delivering 5.1 million effective pixels
* Non-extending refractive optical zoom lens with 3x optical zoom
* Sensitivity range of ISO 64-1600 for low-noise photography in all conditions
* Wraparound, glossy shell-design body, with sliding power-on function
* Available in stunning black or cool white
* High resolution 2.5 inch LCD screen with reinforced, scratch-resistant glass
* Continuous shooting mode for action photography
* TV-quality VGA movie recording of 30 frames per second with sound
* PictBridge(tm) compatible for direct printing without a PC

Adrian Clarke, Fujifilm's Director of Photo Products, said, "It's ironic that most ultra-slim cameras struggle where they are most frequently used - in low-light social situations, such as parties. With four times the sensitivity, combined with iconic design, the FinePix Z2 Zoom is a camera that truly qualifies as an evening companion."

Availability & pricing

The FinePix Z2 Zoom will be available from UK retailers (BOOTS, SUPERDRUG AND WHEREVER ELSE WOMEN SHOP) in November 2005. Pricing and stockists will be announced nearer to the date of retail launch.*

Robot invasion starts -- on bicycles

"The firm developed an earlier version of a bike-riding robot back in 1990, but the latest version can stop without falling over."



TOMORROW: Juggling!

Japanese robot goes bike-riding - Innovation - MSNBC.com

Memory Stick Pro Duo recorder

What a weird little white box. You can plug a Memory Stick into it, then it records telly "off the telly" and directly to Memory Stick in PSP's awkward MP4 format.

It will cut out a lot of messing around, but almost certainly won't work on *our* kind of telly, seeing as it's from Japan.



THE JAPANESE PAGE WITH ALL THE SPECS AND TECH STUFF ON IT:
Hagiwara Sys-Com

Sony DSC N1 -- with touch screen for media girls!

This is kind of hot looking. When we get this out at a fashionable London bar to take photographs of our attractive TV producer and journalist friends and their eclectic choice of cocktails, they'll all be very envious!



Imagine how well the 8.1megapixel sensor will capture Tarquin's braying, over-confident face and spiky hair!!



The 3" screen will make the DSC-N1 a centrepiece of any pretentious media gathering! Look, even women can understand how it works thanks to the big, obvious labels on the screen!


ALL OF THE STUFF, BECAUSE SONY WRITES GOOD PRESS RELEASES:
Berlin, 3rd October 2005 - The Sony Cyber-shot N1 offers the perfect combination of smooth design, fun shooting and sharing experiences, with superb image quality. The camera features an 8.1 effective Megapixel Super HAD CCD, the highest ever resolution for a super compact Cyber-shot. The massive 3.0 inch Clear Photo LCD Plus screen also features a handy touch-screen operation, again two more firsts for a Sony Cyber-shot. The Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar 3x Optical Zoom lens produces sparkling, sharp images - and it’s all packaged in a compact aluminium body that’s only 22.7mm slim. Great new viewing technologies, Pocket Album and Slideshow with Music features, ensure the most enjoyable and varied shooting and sharing experience ever from Sony.

The big screen you can touch
The large hybrid 3.0 inch touch-sensitive LCD on the Cyber-shot N1 makes this stylish digital camera even easier to use, allowing you to operate various functions when shooting and playing back by simply touching the LCD screen. For example with the Free Spot AF function, you can focus on an object directly by just touching it on the LCD screen. Likewise, functions like menu, playback, forward and reverse can be controlled by just touching or tracing a finger across the LCD screen. The paint and stamp function is great for families:using the supplied stylus, artistic and decorative final touches can be added to photos. The brand new Clear Photo LCD Plus technology greatly improves the resolution and brightness of the 3.0 inch LCD screen. The improved 65% NTSC colour ratio leads to clearer and more vivid picture quality. The LCD incorporates a smooth anti-reflection layer, for a better image quality than conventional textured layers. It also suppresses reflections more effectively to increase the display contrast, especially outside in bright sunlight. Perfect for sharing photographs with friends and family.

View and share pictures, wherever, whenever
Imagine how heavy a photo album carrying 500 of your favourite photos might be! The new Pocket Album feature from Sony allows you to carry and view up to 500 of your favourite still photos on the camera's large LCD screen. A separate, internal memory is dedicated to holding your pictures in VGA size thumbnails, which means you can view them whenever you want. The internal Pocket Album is a great way to share memories and tell a story with friends. In addition to sharing on the large LCD screen, images can be viewed on a connected TV screen. When the maximum capacity is reached, the oldest images are automatically deleted to make space for new ones (individual images can be protected from deletion). Of course, images are also stored in full high resolution on optional Memory Stick Duo™ or Memory Stick PRO Duo™ for you to save on a PC or print out.

Truly dynamic slide shows
In addition, the Cyber-shot N1 features a Slideshow with Music function for a truly rich slide show experience. It brings your pictures to life by playing them back in a variety of slide show styles: select from 'Active', 'Simple', 'Stylish' and 'Nostalgic' modes and your pictures will be shown at random accompanied by a choice of four pre-set background music melodies to complement the mood. You can even add background music of you own choice using the supplied Picture Package software. You can select the Music Transfer function to add your own music (MP3 or CD music) to the camera’s internal memory to further personalise your slide shows. To make the very best of your memories, the camera goes one step further, blending and zooming in and out on images for a truly dynamic, movie-like slide show. You don't even have to wait to get home to enjoy this great feature-just switch to Slideshow with Music mode and the camera does the rest! There is also a 'Normal' function for playback without mood music.

Sony and Carl ZEISS in partnership
The brushed aluminium metal body of the Cyber-shot N1 boasts smooth lines and modern styling and houses a Sony developed 8.1 effective Megapixel Super HAD CCD, combined with a Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar 3x Optical Zoom lens, to ensure crystal clear shots every time. If you need to zoom even more, no problem: the camera features a 6x Precision Digital Zoom, and a 15x VGA Smart Zoom to help you view subjects near and far. With the 16:9 shooting mode you can even shoot wide-screen images for playback on your wide-screen TV.

High sensitivity for reduced blur
Picture blur is significantly reduced because of the high sensitivity capability of the Cyber-shot N1. Traditionally this would lead to an increase in noise, however utilising the newly developed Clear RAW NR feature, the signal to noise ratio is greatly improved. The Clear RAW NR original algorithm system reduces colour and luminance noise, enabling shooting with significantly higher sensitivity (up to ISO 800). This ensures images with less noise and finer detail. This is especially beneficial when shooting in low-light conditions, or when shooting moving objects.

Stylish shooting on the go
A fun photographic experience comes as standard with the Cyber-shot N1. Despite its huge LCD screen, its light and compact body weighs in at only 151g*. It’s a perfect size to drop into a bag so you never miss a single photo opportunity with friends and family, or a fabulous view or memories from your latest holiday. Whatever the occasion, there is bound to be a suitable setting to capture it amongst the eight pre-set Scene Selection modes, including Twilight, Snow and Beach functions. Just choose your preferred mode: the shutter speed and exposure has all been pre-set for worry-free and convenient shooting. The Cyber-shot N1 also features a manual exposure if you feel like being a little more creative.

Always ready
Battery performance is not a problem for the Cyber-shot N1 - with its improved Sony STAMINA technology, you can take up to 300** shots on a single charge of the supplied Lithium battery. To keep up with the shooting ability the camera offers, its Real Imaging Processor provides a very quick camera response time. If you do run out of power, just charge it up again with the supplied battery charger.

Greater Appeal
The Cyber-shot N-series also features PictBridge, the standard for printing directly to compatible PictBridge photo printers, such as the Sony DPP-FP50. The optional Cyber-shot Station makes charging and connecting to a PC, printer or TV even simpler. A greater range of optional accessories are available for the Cyber-shot N1, including a leather case, and a new Marine housing for underwater shooting down to 40m, complete with basic control functionality (as a substitute for the standard touch-screen operation).

Your language
Sony has increased the choice of local menu languages to a staggering 15 on the Cyber-shot N1, another great solution to ensure easier operation. Menu languages now include: English, French, German, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, Russian, Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, Finnish, Polish, Hungarian, and Czech.

The Cyber-shot N1 finished in silver aluminium will be available throughout Europe from late November 2005.

Toshiba still thinks we need a new type of DVD!

Ha ha ha! Stupid Toshiba!

This is Toshiba's HD-DVD player, which, if you haven't been following the MASSIVELY TEDIOUS DEBATE, is a new kind of DVD format that will let you watch The Matrix AGAIN in slightly higher resolution -- after having bought it again on another disc for more money.

Everyone's a winner! (PLEAE NOTE: by 'everyone' we only mean the technology and movie companies).



Look at how big and stupid it is! We don't need it. Or Blu-Ray. We'll just stick with Xbox Media Centre and Bittorrent, thank you very much movie/technology industries.