Blu-ray lumbers further into comedy territory

Great news for non-fans of Blu-ray - the UK launch of the "HD" format on October 16 will see such straight-to- and already-out-on-DVD titles as:



David Bishop, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment President, said, probably in a serious voice, that "We stand behind the superiority of Blu-ray as the preeminent high-definition optical disc format and are committed to delivering a strong slate of Blu-ray titles to entertainment enthusiasts worldwide".

Sony is losing battles on at least three fronts right now. The end is nigh. The low-quality lie-telling corporation will be a subsidiary of AMSTRAD by 2010.

Either an MP3 player or a phone

Or maybe some goggles on their side with a head-up display that connects to your PC via wi-fi?



Probably with a hard drive measured in gigabytes. Might even do radio, who knows?

Woman 'messes about' with laptop

You leave her alone in the flat for 30 minutes with strict instructions not to mess about, touch any of your things or try to escape, and what does she do?



She TOUCHES YOUR THINGS and waves around your expensive laptop like it's some kind of toy! They simply cannot be trusted.

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD NOT DO WHEN LEFT ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE:

Touch your TV remote control

Go on your computer

Look at the case/screen of your computer in any detail

Drink your water

Look out of the windows

Attempt to signal to anyone

Leave their room

Go near the front door

Look in any cupboards

Touch any of the pipes/taps/heating systems

Go in the fridge

Move anything

Use or answer the telephone

Turn anything electrical that's on off, or anything that's off on

Read your magazines

Take anything out that's put away, or put anything away that's out

Use any toilet roll

We're backing Blu-ray all the way!

Thanks to the female LG XPION X600 Blu-ray PC display team. We're paying most attention to the one on the left (70%), then paying attention to the one on the right (20%), then paying attention to the LG XPION X600 (8%) and finally looking at the one in the middle with the wonky face (2%).



IT IS A: Dual Core Pentium D945 3.4GHz WITH 1GB of DDR2 RAM, PLUS the LG GBW-H10N Super Multi Blue for burning Blu-ray discs, AND it has a GeForce 7900GT graphics card with 256MB RAM. OH AND it has HDCP on its outputs which is a good thing if you're actually seriously considering bothering with a new "HD" format.



Here's a second photo, for which they wisely made the wonky-faced one stand on the right and put the prettiest one in the middle where she belongs - in photo shoots and life itself.



Look at the difference a bit of cropping makes. They're modelling the LG Super Multi Blue drive (GBW-H10N) which writes Blu-ray discs at 4x speed - so you waste a little less of your life with the pointless "HD" format.

Feminine wank pillow

Technically it's supposed to be for the head and neck, but you know this puppy's going to be underwater and set to maximum throb for 99% of its life:



"...the pillow also plays digital recordings of soothing natural sounds, including Ocean Surf, Rain, Rain Forest, and Woodlands" - future downloadable sound packs include "YOU'RE A DIRTY GIRL AREN'T YOU" and "YOU LOVE IT. YES YOU DO. YES YOU BLOODY WELL DO."

THIS THING:
Tranquil Sound Massaging Bath Pillow at Hammacher Schlemmer

The off-road Segway x2

For posh kids who always had the best mountain bike and an expensive tennis racquet at school:



It does 12 miles an hour, goes for 12 miles on one charge (twin Saphion lithium-ion batteries!!) although oddly for an American product it can only carry a maximum weight of 260lbs - about half the average American.

Segway | Products | Segway x2

There's an MP3 player for swimmers now

Why does everyone think they have to listen to music all the time now? What happened to thinking? To quiet reflection? Daydreaming? Having ideas? Remembering things? Thinking of funny things to say tomorrow should the same events as today occur?

You can't think of things while listening to this week's Franz Ferdinand clone singing about cutting themselves. So stop listening to music and think about a joke or an idea or an invention or a song instead!

That was today's moral.



It really is an MP3 player for swimmers. SwiMP3 MP3 Player - Finis


OTHER MODERN-DAY MORALS:

Always get off at the next stop if a mumbling rasta man stands next to you

Toast for dinner makes a man healthy and strong

The more porn you look at the more money those girls make to buy clothes for their children

Wanking into clothes strengthens the fibres

Stay inside, stay safe

Genius Sony has had an idea!

Sony is now is such a state of crisis you can see how it thinks.

It thought "Nintendo has made lots of girls like cute games. Let's capitalise on this by releasing a pink PlayStation2".



The pink PS2 - for the cute/girl demographic Nintendo invented, only a year too late. It's this sort of behind-the-curve thinking that will see PS3 limp to a miserable third place in the next-gen console war, even when Sony has the idea of doing a pink PS3 for girls in 2010.

Proud to be supporting HD-DVD

Because you can now get porn on it. Weird Japanese porn. Involving buckets of lube. The format war is OVER.

Here's an example of HD-DVD porn that we've obviously edited as HD vaginas are something even we're not ready to be uploading on the internet:



THE LINK, WHICH IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK UNLESS YOU WORK FROM HOME AND FANCY HAVING AN AFTERNOON WANK:
GLAY'z Japanese HD-DVD porn

Rubbish Sony batteries catch on fire

Poor old Dell is having to recall just about every laptop battery it's made in the last two years thanks to rubbish Sony not knowing how to make batteries properly.

"Dell has identified a potential issue associated with certain batteries sold with Dell Latitude, Inspiron, XPS and Dell Precision Mobile Workstation notebook computers. In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and other regulatory agencies, Dell is voluntarily recalling certain Dell-branded batteries with cells manufactured by Sony and offering free replacements for these batteries. Under rare conditions, it is possible for these batteries to overheat, which could POSE A RISK OF FIRE."

(We added the bold and capitals there, as an additional safety measure to you, our important readers).

THE ENTIRE DELL RANGE THAT'S AFFECTED:

* Latitude: D410, D500, D505, D510, D520, D600, D610, D620, D800, D810
* Inspiron: 500M, 510M, 600M, 700M, 710M, 6000, 6400, 8500, 8600, 9100, 9200, 9300, 9400, E1505, E1705
* Precision: M20, M60, M70, M90
* XPS: XPS, XPS Gen2, XPS M170, XPS M1710

ASSOCIATE 'SONY' WITH 'HOUSEHOLD FIRE'
Batteries have existed for over 100 years and everyone knows how to make them properly so they don't catch on fire. Apart from Sony, whose batteries CATCH ON FIRE. So don't buy anything made by Sony, in case it catches ON FIRE, killing you, your loved ones, and even your pets.

Dell Battery Return Program

Honda reveals Ultimate Sex Robot

Full spec-sheet below.



For the ultimate in male/female discreet satisfaction. Due to enter production in 2009.

"Terrorists planned to use iPod as detonator"

Then, it sounds like they were going to try and detonate Lucozade. Suddenly we're not scared to fly today. Ray Mears could take down an aeroplane using a plastic fork (and from the ground), anyway.

Report: Terrorists planned to use iPod as detonator

WHY THIS PLAN WOULD'VE FAILED:

Because the battery would've gone flat! Ha ha ha!

You've only got a FireWire cable and bombs are USB! Ha ha ha!

Video and photo binoculars!

These have been designed specifically to get us sent to prison. It does two megapixels and comes with a rubbish 32MB of onboard RAM which is hardly enough to watch one woman walk up one set of escalators. But still. Binoculars that record video!!



It's the BINOCA01 from a company that looks like it's called Thanko. We're waiting for the BINOCA02 with X-Ray enhancement and homing rohypnol-tipped darts.

iPod jeans :(

Some days all you can do is stare at the screen and wonder if all this technological advancement was for the best, or if mankind would be better off if we all lived in caves and just fucked and eat berries like animals.



These are the Levi's RedWire DLX Jeans for iPod. Anyone considering buying these really ought to be storing their iPods up their arseholes.

A proper update about the Creative Zen Neeon 2

Music, photos, video, FM radio, stupid little stick-on fascias, voice recording - the list of things you can BUT WON'T EVER EVER DO with the ZEN Neeon 2 is huge. It plays music for 20 hours or video for 8 hours, which is pointless - who ever wanks for eight hours solid?



It comes in 1GB, 2GB or 4GB versions, which is not exciting but true. Better news is that you can drag files directly onto it without having to use some stupid AudioLoungeMaxTransferLife2.1 software they've made specially, so it might actually be usable.

ONLY NOT
Were it to come out here for the same price it comes out in America instead of twice as much, we'd consider buying one.

Robot sex machines march on

Another cute woman settles down with a robot. Another possible lady is, tonight, as we type, being pounded rhythmically and ruthlessly 2000 times a second, while her new robot companion simultaneously vibrates with the force of a pneumatic drill. After sex, it will head back to the recharging pod leaving her with all of the bed.

This is the beginning of the rout of civilisation, of the massacre of mankind.



There's probably a man inside it. Or at least a dwarf.

REASONS WOMEN PREFER ROBOTS TO MEN:

Abs literally of steel

New personality upgrades make it easy to have sex with someone else - and it's not really cheating

Self-cleaning penises

Never tire of having the same argument even as many as 15 times each day

PRIME DIRECTIVE: Agree with everything even if it's something really fucking stupid, like that green looks a bit like orange

Samsung R40 laptop

Here's a proper update about a thing that's new. It's the Samsung R40, which we're excited about, as we've been happily using the amazing Samsung Q30 for six months now and have felt approximately 20 percent cooler as a result.

It makes women lean towards it and try to hump the owner:



This is a bit like the Q30, only with a 15.4" widescreen display, which is bigger (good), but will make it heavier and bulkier (bad) and therefore less cool (bad) and stealable (good) when you're using it anywhere outside that people (bad) can see.

It also has an Intel Core Duo CPU processor and 512MB of memory and an 80GB hard drive for putting porn on to watch in hotels.