Gadgets with FACES #2

It is, unsurprisingly, an iPod dock.

Cute, or A HORRIFYING MONSTER WITH LASER BEAM BREATH?



Those eyes look into your soul and can see every bad thing you've ever done. Imagine this staring at you across the room. You'd have to put a sheet over it before you go to bed.

The Nokia 6086 - quad-band GSM and UMA-enabled!

All we need to know is can you also use it as a clock?



Because our phone is a clock 99.9% of the time. They really ought to be pushing the clock features more, like "analogue or digital time display" or "very accurate time" or "self-adjusting clock for the time-conscious businessman" or "clock features hundredths of a second so you never miss that important meeting or train by a hundredth of a second".

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT IT:
Nokia 6086 Cameraphone - Compelling feature set, seamless connectivity
The Nokia 6086 allows consumers to stay in touch - in any environment. This quad-band GSM and UMA-enabled cameraphone hides its sophisticated circuitry in a classic design with a large keypad and intuitive user menu. The estimated retail price of the Nokia 6086 is 200 euros before subsidies or taxes.

The Nokia 6300 is 2.399 times better than the 2626

Higher number means better and also means it may be released somewhere other than in third-world countries like Romania, North Korea, France and Uzbekistan. We hate days like this. Nokia should spread them out, not release four bloody phones on the same day.



One more to go, then we'll stop and go a great joke about a gadget with a face.

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT IT:
Nokia 6300 - Clean styling, compact size
The Nokia 6300 is a mid-range model that represents an evolution of the modern monoblock design. Less than 13.1mm thin, the slim Nokia 6300 has a stainless steel frame that adds both design interest and strength. In addition to its organic curves and appealing design, the Nokia 6300 offers a robust range of easy-to-use features. The estimated retail price of the Nokia 6300 is 250 euros before subsidies or taxes.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH:

The Xerox Phaser 6300

The Thermo Scientific iCap 6300

The Nokia 2626 comes in Energetic Copper

Which, we think, probably means brown:



As you can tell by (a) its horrible and embarrassingly low model number, (b) how shit it looks and (c) its lack of holes with 'megapixels' written beneath, this is an 'entry level' phone for 'emerging markets'. Some lucky guy in North Korea will be over the moon to get this for Christmas!

Fans of our shit running jokes will also be pleased to hear it contains a 'radio' - the amazing new free music file transfer format that's gradually taking over from inconvenient MP3 files.

THE COLOURS IT COMES IN:

Fiery Red :)

Spatial Blue :)

Energetic Copper :)

Elegant White :)

Navy Blue :(

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT IT:
Nokia 2626 - Tune into style
The Nokia 2626 is a colorful mobile phone designed for style-conscious consumers in emerging markets. The Nokia 2626 will be available in a range of bold colors, such as Fiery Red and Spatial Blue, and includes an FM radio for music on the go. The estimated retail price of the Nokia 2626 is 75 euros before subsidies or taxes.

Nokia 6290 - a very boring new phone

The only really new thing about it seems to be the number.



Although Massey Ferguson got there first with its slightly manlier 6290:



Nokia says its 6290 can do video calling, which is easily the least-used phone feature of all time. Pay you lots of money so I can feel really awkward and people can see how ugly I am in anything but perfect lighting conditions? No thanks!

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT IT:
Nokia 6290 Smartphone - advanced technology made simple
The Nokia 6290 smartphone combines the collective power of S60 3rd Edition and 3G in an easy-to-use, attractively designed package. It supports a number of practical new features, multiple alarms and handy Quick Cover access keys which enable instant access to a wide range of the device's useful features, including an interactive world travel application. The estimated retail price of the Nokia 6290 is 325 euros before subsidies or taxes.

Sony Ericsson W950i's undocumented features

It would appear to operate as some sort of woman remote controller:




Insert you own jokes about what you'd make them do in the Comments box. We'd probably just get them to go to sleep so we can watch Newsnight in peace.

THE MEGATON BATTERY!

Uninterrupted power for the next FIVE MILLION YEARS!



It was "Found in the gap in the wall when removing some double glazing". You know why? It HAD to be hidden because the world JUST ISN'T READY FOR THIS KIND OF POWER.




It obviously still works. MEGATON NEVER WEAKENS.




If you disposed of this bad boy in a fire the ground would remain contaminated for 500 years. SEND MORE BATTERY PHOTOS... PLEASE.

All the iPod docks announced in the week ending Friday November 24 2006

Seven of them. In a week. We're not even doing this as a joke:















It's inevitable dad will buy us an iPod dock for Christmas this year, even though we don't have an iPod.

Sony *literally* cannot do *anything* properly

Now the legendary maker of things-that-break-after-a-year has recalled eight of its CyberShot digital cameras. Models involved are: DSC-F88, DSC-M1, DSC-T1, DSC-T11, DSC-T3, DSC-T33, DSC-U40 and DSC-U50.



Sony really should give up selling things and just keep everything it makes in a big warehouse. Similar to SEGA's strategy with the Dreamcast.

HA HA HA HA HERE:
Sony finds defects in some Cyber-shot digital cameras - MarketWatch

REACH - for the ultimate in electrical power

The battery-operated ball would appear to have started rolling again...




And once the battery ball starts rolling, it carries on for at least two weeks. Sorry everyone, but we're having fun again! Tomorrow's battery is even better than the King Ring. Just you wait and see. Hurry up, tomorrow!

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM, SENDER OF THE PHOTO?
"I discovered those in the remote of a nice little remote controlled
aeroplane".

She still hasn't learned

Smile all you like, sweetheart, but that laptop costs £1300 and if you break it you're bloody well paying for it - in blood and lumps of hair:



The EVIL WITCH is ABUSING a lovely Samsung Q40. If she hasn't washed her hands there will be TROUBLE. Doubly so if she touches the screen with her stupid chocolate-covered fingers. Triply so if she looks at any of our stuff.

A COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF THE SAMSUNG Q40
"We've got a Samsung Q30. It's amazingly small and awesome, so this probably is too seeing as it's quite the same just with a bigger hard drive, 1GB of RAM and a couple more holes" - 9/10.

King Ring - 360 degrees of power

Spotted in a ALDI PVR remote:



What a lovely battery.

All the iPod docks announced in the last week

This really is just seven days worth:















What is wrong with (a) people and (b) companies?

3 Mobile has had a new idea

It's finally putting an end to the 'walled garden' shame that wouldn't let you access the proper internet with its mobiles. Plus it's decided to get some decent phones people might actually want to use - the Nokia N73 and a 4GB Sony Ericsson W950i music phone.



It would also seem to be 'about' getting Ebay and Google logos over everything, thanks to the other bit of the idea - 3's X-Series bundle, which is a one-off fee for mobile, broadband, Skype and Slingbox TV broadcasting to your mobile.

IT HAS ALSO LAUNCHED A 'BLOG' ABOUT IT:
X-Series blog

Fujitsu's Aviamo 1080p TVs you can't use yet

What is it with all these TV companies making 1080p TVs we can't use? Have we not got the right kind of aerial? Is everyone else secretly watching 1080p Neighbours? And who spends three grand on a TV they can't use properly?



Fujitsu has launched two plasma Aviamos with 50" and 65" screens, plus a 37" LCD, all capable of displaying 1080p for some pretend reason no one knows. It makes no sense. Especially as they'll be half the price in six months time, and Woolworths will do an East European knock-off version for £99 in 12.

PREEMPTIVE WARNING
And don't get all smart in the comments bit saying they work as PC monitors - who the hell needs a 65" PC monitor?

And don't mention PS3. At all.

Congratulations to Kim Sum and SAMSUNG TGH-SC1000-MKIIa

Following recent changes to local civil partnership laws, the first legal human/robot wedding took place at the Park Soo-Lo Hyatt Hotel in South Korea on November 12.



Proud bride Kim Sum was radiant in modern Korean dress. Sadly, current security restrictions mean the couple are unable to travel on their planned honeymoon due to several parts of the groom's body being considered possible weapons.

The MP3 player that (CLEVER TWIST) is also a phone

Samsung has turned it all around! The X830 is primarily a thing to listen to fashionable music you don't really like but feel you should at least try to like (The Killers) on, while occasionally receiving the odd TXT MSG.

You can tell it's an MP3 player as it has its buttons in a circle.




The Samsung X830 was called the SPH-S4300 in Korea when it came out there 17 years ago. It's finally on sale here now. It's got 1GB of space for music, a 1.3MB camera which is RUBBISH and can do phone stuff if you flip it open and know people to talk to.




It also has an FM radio (TIRESOME RUNNING JOKE ALERT) which seems to be really catching on these days. We'll have to investigate this upcoming "radio scene" more.

AVAILABLE IN 'PIKEY PINK' ON ORANGE:
Samsung X830 Blush pay monthly mobile phone

More about batteries!

Sorry everyone who hates batteries - but we LOVE BATTERIES!



So does this man who has a whole web site about batteries, not just the odd update.

We miss when this web site was only about batteries. They were the happiest of times :(

Sony's Bravia X now comes in brown

And also blue, red and silver.



Achieving this level of choice for the end consumer is why our forefathers fought in all those world wars.

Zune - reviewed (not 'by' us)

It's a stunner!

"...you have to install a similar but less powerful Windows program just for the Zune"

"Who'd build a Wi-Fi device that can't connect to a wireless network?"

"You can play a transmitted song only three times, all within three days. After that, it expires"

"...no games, alarm clock, stopwatch, world clock, password-protected volume limiter, equalizer, calendar, address book or notes module"

"Incredibly, you can't even use the Zune as an external hard drive"

PAGE ONE IS QUITE COMPLIMENTARY THOUGH
Trying Out the Zune: IPod It's Not - New York Times

Bang & Olufsen has made a mobile phone

It's called the Serene. It was made in partnership with Samsung, probably because Bang & Olufsen, when it comes down to it, doesn't know as much about doing telephones as it does about making CD players that fold open into a flower and spray perfume into the nose of the listener.



We'd imagine Samsung made it all work and did the hard electric bits, while the design ponces at B&O minced about for years talking about "neo classical" lines and "modernised textures". For some reason, this bit of plastic costs $1275 and is almost certainly not available on Pay As You Go from Argos.

IT HAS A FLASH WEB SITE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S FROM 1998:
Serene Mobile phone

The Samsung YP-K5 might be new

But then again it might not be, as the Samsung press image archive doesn't show the dates stuff was uploaded on. It could be from 1997 for all we know!



It's quicker to just write the update than actually check out a fact.




There's an icon by it saying "NEW" but that could've been there since they sacked their webmaster during the 2000 dot com bust. Who knows?

Is it wrong for a man to spend £100 on a bag?

Yes. Of course it is. What a stupid question.

But what if... that bag has BEEN IN SPACE?



We mustn't get all 'Sex and the City' over this, but Jesus. A bag that's BEEN IN SPACE. Imagine that. Imagine having a SPACE BAG. Passing commuters on the tube might think you were a space MAN, which is why you're all weak and pale and have no muscles.



And look! You can fit keys, a phone, two PDAs, some magazines about business and a laptop in it. All we'd put in it would be a camera and a Nintendo DS which makes a slight mockery of the Soviet space program, but still.

It's actually not as good as it sounds - it's just a bit of Soyuz parachute sewn onto what is probably a really cheap bag that the straps will break on after two months. It's a good job we read the item properly before posting this update.

IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO BUY IT FOR US, FEEL FREE:
We can exchange photos of our small (because of exposure to space) genitals in return for a: eBay: Flown Soyuz TMA-3 International Space Station Bag (item 230046641969 end time Nov-12-06 14:03:32 PST)

A GPS thing for women

No, really, it's for women. That's why they've put flowers on it:



It's the Mio H610 GPS device, which is pre-loaded with maps of 24 European countries, along with 1.8 million "points of interest" - probably hairdressers, flower shops and the nearest pharmacy for buying headache tablets and tampons. It has 1GB of onboard storage, plus an SD Card slot - although the chances of a woman being able to buy the right kind of memory card on her own without asking someone are quite remote.

Occasionally we feel a bit sorry for women, what with the way they're patronised 24/7 by the media and major corporations. Then we stop feeling sorry for them and put them back in the fucking basement.

IT HAS A PRETTY FLASH PAGE!
Mio H610 Overview

Sony VAIO VGN-N17L

Ideal for people who live in houses with Photoshopped on windows:



Those kids can't wait to get on it and check their MySpace messages from all the friendly daddies who want to meet them in cubicle 2 of Kings Cross Station men's toilet. Meanwhile, mummy's had no response from her request for a rich judge for afternoon sex.

Robots - still getting all the love :(

The Korean Future/Love Expo 2006 revealed many new kinds of sex robot for the busy female executive.



You know that as soon as the cameras stop she'll flip it over onto its back, break out the 10-inch 'massage' attachment and start humping it for six hours at a time.




She's putting her finger in its mouth. Women aren't even trying to pretend they don't like having sex with robots any more.




One look at the attachments list tells you why.

*JINGLE* Weird Thing of the Daaaaaaay

It's the "The Future Platforms Wanking Man" or a man who regularly gets seen wanking by people in an office.

A man called Tom managed to take a photo of him for the internet with his phone*.



Let's all email this around to everyone in the world, so he gets on the front page of The Sun.

*ABOUT THIS UPDATE:
This is relevant to our 'remit' because Flickr says the photo was taken on a Sony Ericsson K600i.

The Future Platforms Wanking Man on Flickr - Photo Sharing!