BATTERY EXCLUSIVE! The Xuripai

That's Xuripai!



Never before seen on the internet!



This is it! We're not saying what it came out of. Don't want any other battery blogs getting their hands on it.



This is why nothing comes up on Google for it. We have no idea how to search for that. The only way we can think of is writing it down in a letter and posting the letter to Google's head office, so they can do a 'manual search'.



Let's see... X on a double letter score for 16, plus 1, plus 1, plus 1, plus 3, plus 1, plus 1... that's 24... multiplied by three equals... 72... plus the 50 point bonus for using all seven letters... that's 122! An easy win, thanks to XURIPAI.

Fanny batteries

Reader "Mr Ben" says he found these under his girlfriend's bed, but has yet to work out where she inserts them.



Are any other readers currently having regular sex with energy efficient robots?

ATi Avivo - proud to sponsor the Thai World Ladyboy Championships

Sadly we will not be attending :(



The first one's probably best, although that might just be because she's farthest away.

America crashes out in 2008 qualifiers

One point from six tournaments means the USA is bottom of the Americas qualifying group, and now definitely will not be holding in Beijing next September.



Her form's all wrong and a polo shirt? The arrival of new manager - former Ukrainian coach Vlad Dmortan - can't come soon enough for the crumbling USA team.

The Samsung SA-01 Demonstration Humanoid

Meet Lin-Yun, the Samsung SA-01 Demonstration Humanoid.

She is the world's first fully-automated thing-holder. Samsung will be rolling this model out to trade shows across Asia in 2008.



If you look closely you can just make out some sort of face beneath the realistic skin.

T-Mobile Ameo - possible next new phone #1

Was it really 18 months ago we were moaning about being locked in an 18-month Vodafone contract? YES IT WAS! We are free! Fuck you, Vodafone! (unless you give us a better one for free when we say we want to leave, in which case, thank you, Vodafone).

So here starts the search for a replacement.

Usually it takes at least six months to conclude a search for a new phone, as it's fraught with danger, contracts, specification research and stupid men with overly-waxed hair trying to convince you that 3 is a good company to sign up with. So off we go.



The PROS of this one is that it's very expensive so not many people will have it, plus it can clearly do the internet properly instead of just displaying the navigation bar and adverts in a window the size of a postage stamp like most current phones, then crashing so badly you have to take the battery out and put the battery more than 20 metres away from the phone and leave it for half an hour before putting it back in.

The CONS are the massive sense of personal loss we will feel when we inevitably wake up hungover, with suspiciously muddy shoes, sore legs, a strange smell of sick coming from somewhere and OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PHONE LAST NIGHT? PERHAPS IF I RING IT SOMEONE IN ONE OF THOSE EIGHT PUBS WILL FIND IT AND GIVE IT BACK.

EDIT: ADDITIONAL 'CONS'

Serious chance of getting beaten up

Serious chance of getting held down and beaten up

Serious chance of getting held down and beaten up while passing pedestrians administer additional kicks

Serious chance of being mistaken for a student/DJ

Serious chance of being considered a "Flack"

Serious chance of being considered an alternative fuck

Serious chance of being considered an associate of Beelzebub

A nice easy phone for granddad

It's got big buttons, granddad. BIG BUTTONS. Can you see? Look, here. HERE. You press these to dial the number. Yes, you've got my number. Yes, it's written down in your telephone number book by the phone. No, I've had the same number for eight years. My birthday is in July. No, I'm a bit more than 13 now. No, I've been 5' 11" since 1989.



Anyway. This is a phone someone's made for old people. It has big buttons, because old people have big fingers thanks to the 46 years of hard manual labour they went through so that YOU can just SIT THERE trying to think of FUNNY COMMENTS to say on the internet.

Sanyo targets home wanking market with new waterproof TV

It's the (deep breath) 42LM4WPR-E!

42 means it has 42 channels, LM4 is what they call it for short in board meetings, while WPR is for waterproof and the 'E' clearly stands for ejaculate. We're getting good at this tech blogging.



Sanyo is another company we only really associate with pre-broken-at-the-factory childhood tape recorders and cheap TVs granddad bought from Woolworths. Good to see it's embracing the LCD world at last.

ALTERNATE HEADLINE FOR FEMALE READERS:
New Sanyo TV is ideal for your 'damp basement'

Friday night is ladies night!

Here's a little something to tide you over, foxy lovers.



Sukia - supplying modern equipment to the North Korean genital torture industry, since 1994.

A battery that is also a torch

We have criminally under investigated the 9v scene.



It is the battery of eccentric inventors and the 2p-per-unit Taiwanese electronics export industry. So much to discover.

VERSATILITY PERSONIFIED:


Pak-Lite's Official Website - Pak-Lite SUPER White LED Flashlight

HUGE Sony Ericsson W660i lifestyle photography!

These are her fingernails!



We'd estimate the camera that took this photograph cost upwards of £200 and had at least 7.0 megapixels.



The original photo is 7216 x 5412. This sets a new record. This is the Bob Beamon of image resolutions. It's unlikely you'll ever see an image at a higher resolution than this in your lifetime.



This is her face!



This photo is also 7216 x 5412. If the internet is going slowly for you today, it's because of this.



We have something proper to say about this picture - the W660 still uses the STUPID headphone adapter thing which means you can't just plug in some normal headphones.

The only time we've ever used one of these it didn't work properly and was all crackly and wonky, which is all the evidence we need to make sweeping statements about none of them ever working.

Sony Ericsson W660i Walkman phone

Yes, there is some accompanying "lifestyle" photography. It's downloading right now and is in a MASSIVE RESOLUTION and is of a woman. One of them's 19.6MB!

Here's a boring one of the phone first to get you in the mood.



It "begs to be touched" apparently, which doesn't work as an excuse in our experience.

THE PRESS RELEASE, BECAUSE WE WANT THIS BORING UPDATE TO BE OVER QUICKLY SO WE CAN START DOING THE NEXT ONE ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY:

London, UK - 14th March 2007. Sony Ericsson today announces the W660 - a Walkman phone which places an emphasis on style and feel. With a tactile finish that just begs to be touched, it's a classic-design 3G phone available in two distinctive colours, Record Black and Rose Red. Also introduced is a compact new music accessory, the Snap-on Speakers MPS-75, which let you play the tracks stored on your Walkman phone out loud.

"The W660 has a finish that stands out among its peers," explains Steve Walker, Head of Product Marketing at Sony Ericsson. "Although the W660 places the emphasis firmly on design, it is also a full member of our Walkman phone family, able to store several hundred full-length songs. That's important because our research indicates users are listening to more music than ever before - an average of 4.4 hours a day, according to the latest Sony Ericsson Music Monitor."

Like several of the latest Walkman phones, the W660 features TrackID. If you ever need to identify a piece of music that you don't recognise, simply record a few seconds of the track, either via the microphone or by tagging a clip straight from the phone's FM Radio, and TrackID will send the clip to the Gracenote Mobile MusicID database. This quickly identifies the track, the artist and album and relays the information back to your Walkman phone.

The W660 Walkman phone can store up to 470 full-length songs (in eAAC+ format) on the 512MB Memory Stick Micro (M2) supplied. As your collection grows you can expand the memory as you need and, by way of example, a 1GB Memory Stick Micro (M2) will hold up to 1,000 tracks.

As well as high speed music download and web surfing, the W660 can deliver RSS feeds straight to the phone's desktop to keep you up-to-date on the latest news and gossip. It also packs a 2.0 megapixel camera and Picture Blogging capability, allowing you to capture that picture and upload it instantly to your personal blog site - all at 3G speed.

Sony Ericsson also announces the Snap-On Speakers, MPS-75, today. This is a small plug-in speaker unit with excellent sound quality that is powered from the phone - perfect for that party moment. The W660 Walkman phone also offers Bluetooth Audio Streaming, which allows you to send music wirelessly from the phone to other compatible devices, such as the Music Bluetooth Receiver MBR-100 or the Stereo Bluetooth Headset HBH-DS970.

The W660 Walkman phone is a UMTS 2100 and GPRS 900/1800/1900 device and will be available in selected markets from Q2 2007. The Snap-On Speakers, MPS-75, will be available globally from Q2 2007.

The new Sanyo Xacti 2.0

You can't use it to remove the brain from a cow, but you could probably bludgeon a chicken to death with the base of it and severely bruise a pig while simultaneously videoing the results. This will invalidate your warranty and also get you shunned by the local community.



It has a 6megapixel CCD sensor, a 5x zoom, 2.5" LCD screen for watching yourself doing it, plus the Xacti 2 also supports the H.264 codec which we actually know something proper about - it's the new HD video compression codec that's better than the old MPEG HD codecs. So there.

The Jarvis Model CPP - pneumatically powered hock and neckcutter for turkey, goose, ostrich, pork and cattle

If you ever need to cut up something made of bone and gristle in a hurry, one of these should do:



This can take the head off a cow and, by extension, a human prostitute.

This marks the start of a new obsession with meat industry products. You might want to not read the site for a bit, especially if you're a vegetarian or a pig or a chicken.

OTHER AMAZING JARVIS MEAT INDUSTRY PRODUCTS WE REALLY NEED TO GET IN FOR REVIEW:

The Jarvis Model LKE-1 - pneumatically controlled gun for high speed vacuum removal of poultry lungs and kidneys

The Jarvis Model LLP-1 -- hydraulic powered hog leaf lard puller

The Jarvis Model SR-1 vacuum system for spinal cord removal on beef or hogs

The Jarvis Model BS-1 -- brain sucker removal system for removing all the material in brain cavity

THAT LAST ONE AGAIN:

The Jarvis Model BS-1 -- brain sucker removal system for removing all the material in brain cavity

This is the Jarvis BS-1 "brain sucker":



This is the BS-1 brain sucker spec sheet:

Avoids contaminating heads and saves cheek meat.

Permits de-boning of heads on tables, without cross contamination.

Eliminates placing corks in heads - avoiding any brain seepage.

Lightweight handpiece for optimum operator comfort and handling.

All stainless steel construction for maximum hygiene.

Tomorrow we're going to quit our cushy desk jobs for exciting careers in the meat industry. Removing brain must be more fun than saying people suck on the internet all day.

JARVIS ROCKS (UNLESS YOU'RE A PIG OR CHICKEN)
Jarvis Products Corp

HUMAN-EATING ROBOT RAMPAGE - *NSFW*

This beast was pictured running riot in Japan. This is NOT for the squeamish.



It's bright green. To attract CHILDREN.



Jesus Christ. It's actually going to do it. It's actually going to eat someone in front of a horrified crowd.



Its filthy green "mouth" has been designed to quickly consume a man.



Triumphant arms raised. It's actually proud of itself.

FROM HERE:
http://www2.neweb.ne.jp/wc/ebara71/a/h/robo.htm

290KG Clean & Jerk

It was an impressive hold to begin with, but when she waved to the crowd with her left hand the roof nearly came off the stadium!



Strength and control. Soon-Pak's face muscles are relaxed, her smile genuine - she is a true professional even at the tender age of 18. LG's investment in its youth system is really starting to produce the goods. The rumours of Samsung signing her for a world record $14.5m could be true, based on this peerless display.



Such strength in those tiny, delicate bones. She is like a tiny, delicate bird. We'd hold her so tight, so very tight. So tight that she feels very relaxed and eventually stops flapping around. Then we'd put her in our pocket where she'd be safe and no one could take her away.

Creative Zen Vision W

Creative seems to be having a bit more fun with its product photography these days. They hired a hand model and mucked about making a funny thing to go on the screen. The laughs they must have.



A slight waste of a panda, though, and we could've done the Photoshopping a bit better.

Sony's DSC-T100 - not particularly manly

Great! This is the ideal camera to put in our manbag/satchel, alongside our MP3 player full of camp pop music and moisturising hand cream (for our chapped hands, not for impromptu wanking, although it certainly helps).





We're not sure what's happening in the bottom photo. She's either using it as a mirror or, even more frightening, just staring at it vacantly.

Friday night is ladies night!

It's good night from us, and good night from Micron's Chief Operating Officer Mark Durcan:



See you on Monday!

EXCLUSIVE REVIEW: Kroocase leather case for Sandisk Sansa E250

We're not proud of this. It's the most boring item we've ever purchased. We're also not proud of being the sort of person who keeps their electrical goods in black leather cases, as this means you think you are defined by your gadgets and that they're SO IMPORTANT you have to keep them in perfect condition. In a black leather case.



But still. We lost the case it came with so had to buy another case to put it in, else it'll get all scratched up and people will think we're DIRTY. This one was the cheapest.



And there she is! There's no way the screen will get scratched now, even if we accidentally put it in the same pocket as our keys and the dead bird we always carry around.



Incredibly for a cheap piece of Chinese rubbish, there's a little magnet inside the case at the closing end of the 'flap'. This keeps it tightly held down. This makes it tidy. Tidy is good. Tidy means no one gets angry and no one gets hurt, because everything is how it is supposed to be and where it belongs.



It has a belt strap. This is for people who don't live in south London. It's for people who live in small villages, where gangs of teenagers from Peckham don't run along the buses with knives taking anything they can see that looks like it could be swapped for crack.



And there's a hole for the headphone cable to come out of. These Chinese think of everything.



And this little piece of transparent plastic keeps the screen double-wrapped and ultra-safe.

FINAL SCORE:
A boring but safe 8/10.

Sony Cyber-Shot G1 with wi-fi

It's sort of OK even though it's by Sony as it's got wi-fi, so you don't need to worry about where your cable is all the time.



Instead you need to worry about routers and DHCP settings and IP address ranges and WEP settings. There's no escaping modern tech worry.

The new Nikon D40x

It's one of those big black ones. The other kind of camera. The kind of camera you can't put in your gay manbag/satchel, as it's a bit heavy and will make the strap dig into your weak, effeminate little shoulder.



It does 10.2 megapixles, and shoots 3 frames a second in continuous upskirt mode, although Nikon has cut corners by removing the built-in flash. This is a worrying development in digital cameras. Why anyone would buy a camera without a flash is a mystery.

Gadgets we've invented ourselves #1: The Keyhole Blocker

This versatile device stops your neighbours looking through the keyhole and seeing you having a wank on the sofa of your bedsit.



It's basically just a bit of Blu-tak, so manufacturing costs per unit are very low. If you would like to invest in this idea, please get in touch. As it's just a bit of Blu-tak we can have the product rolled out to distributors as soon as your cheque clears.

KEYHOLE BLOCKER SPECS:

• Eliminates 99.9 percent of spying


• Works on all brands of lock - Yale... and whatever other companies make locks


• Can also be used to mask other weird activities such as dancing naked to Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds and standing still looking at the wall for hours

THIS JUST IN FROM 'MARKETING':

SAGEM - HOLDING INNOVATION BEYOND BELIEF!

We cannot believe what we are seeing. This is giving us butterflies. It's like the first time we saw Lee-Yun Pak perform the double-index-finger twirl in the 1988 Asian Open!

Behold, the first performance of... the Inverted Foot Hold:



The little company has pulled it off! This is a staggering hold innovation and a rare new move debuted by a western holder. Could this lead to a renaissance in western holding? We can only hope! With the World Holding Championships coming to Manchester in 2011, this is a great boost to the dreams of young holders in the UK, Europe and US.

The Koreans must be wondering what they have to do. We wouldn't want to be in their shoes!

Robot learns from its mistakes

First shot: into the leg.

Second shot: into the chest.



Third shot: into the brain stem.

HUMANITY DEATH CLOCK UPDATE:
645 days.

A calculator that's also a radio

Ask and ye shall receive:



Every combination of gadget has been made by the Chinese. Don't get funny suggesting weird ones, they WILL exist.

TOMORROW:
The microwave-pen
The vacuum-lamp
The tumble dryer-MP3 player

THE EVIDENCE:
Calculator with radio, China Wholesale Calculator with radio

Alba launches an MP3 player

We probably should've checked to see if this existed before doing the previous post.



At least nothing comes up on Google for "Amstrad ultraportable tablet PC". Although we will soon!

Grundig is still going!

This brings back memories (repressed childhood memories of men who smell of smoke and whiskey). Not only is Grundig going all 'web 2.0' with its new B700 smartphone, it's also a Linux-based thing. How bleeding edge of the cheap 1970s portable TV specialist.



IN NEXT WEEK'S EDITION OF RUBBISH COMPANIES WE REMEMBER:
Alba launches an MP3 player, then Amstrad turns up with a new kind of ultraportable tablet PC. The press conference will be held in a Wimpy.

Sony NW-A800 video Walkman

Sony's had another amazingly innovative idea that will turn the MP3 player market on its head. It's an MP3 player that can play video.

No doubt this has been in R&D for five years, and is definitely not just a too-late copy of the iPod and whatever Creative has got out this year (ZEN:MU:XL:200-DrEaMSOUND).



This is sure to be described as being an iPod killer on 100,000 tech blogs by tomorrow morning, while we'll be spending the night trying to think up something critical to say about it breaking/catching fire/not having as many features in the UK.

Sony said it's doing SIX new cameras yesterday

That's a bit stupid of it. We're not doing separate updates on all six, are we? You can have the Cyber-Shot W200 and be grateful.



It's just not the same without a Korean model/MTV presenter in socks/strappy shoes standing near it :(



Better.