LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY FRIDAY: In association with the Nokia N95 mobile photo printing service

The original shot. Supplied at 300dpi and 3780 x 1956 resolution. It is presumably meant to illustrate the exciting, party-fuelled life of your average Nokia N95 user.



It is quite tolerable in this format. It is only when you zoom in that the nature of the image hits home.



A teddy bear. Significance unknown.



This is the sort of photo Nokia thinks we will be printing. It is a businessman in a swimming pool, at a party attended by cool people. It is almost precisely the opposite of the sort of photo we are likely to print.



It was such a great party they got the photo printed onto a mug.



Everyone is loving the big funny joke.

Woman left in charge of TVs

And what does she put on? Something about plants and something about Korean architecture.



Great. How many hours until bedtime?

Dear Dell Computers,

Dear Dell Computers,

I represent an upcoming UK-based "tech blog" called Idiot Toys (www.idiottoys.com).

We would very much like to start covering Dell computers and Dell computer products. We are all big fans!

I myself have been using a "Dimension" desktop since 2002 - and it's still going strong! :)

Please can you add me to your press release mailing list for Dell news, and also consider inviting me to future Dell press events.

Yours faithfully,
G. Idiot
Chief Editor in Chief
IdiotToys.com

PS: Attached are some photos of the sort of Dell press events I am particularly interested in attending.











PPS: Any of them apart from the one with the manky belly button.

iRiver instinctively knows

Hats off to the marketing lads down at iRiver HQ. Campaign of the year. Highly commended.





There's such an honesty about them. No sneaky glances or subtle hints here - just a photo of her tits, then a photo of her arse. We can only hope this nu-honesty trend continues in the media at large.

Samsung A717 and A727 displayed with beautiful symmetry and style!

Now THIS IS HOLDING! THIS is why we go to exhibitions! THIS is why we're all here! THIS is what the crowd wants to see!



An incredible angled pose here from the Swede! Staggering! A parallel vertical alignment is hard enough, but managing a full parallel align at a 45-degree angle is awe-inspiring displaying at the very highest possible difficulty.

A subtle body lean draws in the eye. And look at that finger work - her right little finger is carefully coiled out of the way to avoid obscuring any part of the Samsung 727 'candybar' handset! The more you look, the more detail you find. It looks like we are seeing the future of Western holding right here!

Now she's proven it's possible in the Samsung test laboratory - but can she repeat this out in public at next week's Mobile Future Expo in Madrid?

Celebrities flock to the 6.0 megapixel Vivitar ViviCam 6200W underwater camera!

Who would've thought that the likes of Samuel L. Jackson and Elisha Cuthbert would be such fans of underwater photography?



She loves it!



He loves it! And is about to jump into that swimming pool behind him and do some serious underwater photography!



And one of the thing, which cleverly adheres to The Beatles' advice that things that go underwater should be in yellow. It's nice that the lens looks like a port hole. That shows they really thought through the design.

It even has a self timer for taking photos of yourself underwater. And if you do that, you will be the first person in the world.

THE PRESS RELEASE:
The stylish 6-Megapixel ViviCam 6200W is the perfect companion to any outdoor activity, with waterproof capabilities up to 30ft./10 meters. The camera features a 4X digital zoom, a 2" LCD display, SD card support and a yellow rubberized exterior for enhanced ruggedness and durability. The camera also features a focus free lens, video mode, self-timer, multiple flash modes and works seamlessly with both Macs and PCs.

"We are very excited to debut the first consumer underwater digital camera this summer. We feel that the ViviCam 6200W is a fresh take on our long heritage of quality and innovation in the photography industry," said Abbas Bhanji, CEO, Vivitar Europe.

The ViviCam 6200W is available now through select retail outlets, including www.amazon.co.uk and Sit Up TV. RRP £129.99

Female astronaut sets new thing-holding altitude world record

Congratulations to NASA astronaut Suni Williams, who managed to hold a specially modified Kodak Professional DCS 760 Electronic Still Camera at a low Earth orbit altitude of 207 miles.



This beats Malaysian holder Kelly Shu's previous altitude record of 1230 feet, set in the Petronas Towers during the 2005 Malaysian Open.

Female astronaut takes photo for MySpace

The reflective visor ruins things a bit:



You're only supposed to obscure your left eye with your fringe, not cover the entire face. It's also hard to get your chin down and your head at the right angle, thanks to the rigid suit. We would still "add" her for the slim chance of joining the 207 miles high club, though.

ADDITIONAL 'ANGLE'
The sender of this photograph suggested we use the 'angle' that astronaut Suni Williams set a new record for holding height, holding at a sub-orbital level. This is quite a good suggestion. We will do that one next and see how it turns out.

And there's a 2.34MB version here if you like looking at space photos. Which, seeing as you're a man, you definitely do.

The Nokia 6288 makes saying those special words a little easier

The 6288 comes with some TXT MSG templates. Most of them are understandable. Businessmen are busy people, they may well be stuck in the office and sending a secret text while pretending to check the time, and at least they teach kids how to use capital letters at the start of sentences.



That's fine. Nothing weird about it at all. The next one, though...



Takes the magic out of it a bit, doesn't it? The next time you get a properly-spelled, well-punctuated sexy text, remember it was probably written by a man in the Nokia building.

See you at 2MORO. Love you too.

Woman puts monitor at pretty angle

Yes, well done, it does look very pretty. Now put it back. We have work to do and Bittorrent downloads to monitor.



And wipe the finger marks off the screen. NO! Use a tissue, not a scouring pad. Jesus.

Asia Human Slavery Industries present the Home Blu-Ray Disc Holder

This unique disc-holder is now shipping with all Blu-ray players. She will last for between four and six days before needing to be returned, or cut into small pieces and disposed of.



The Home Blu-Ray Disc Holder is environmentally friendly and may also be buried in a garden once fully used up.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Toshiba Portege G900

Can't get a BlackBerry. Everyone's got a BlackBerry. Can't get a Nokia. Everyone else has got a Nokia. It's hard making phone purchasing decisions when you're trying to look like a maverick outsider all the time.



The Toshiba Portege G900 would do. It's by an unusual brand, which illustrates how we think so far outside the box the box looks really small and like a toy box from all the way over here.



These are all the logos it's got. So it must be good.

PROS:

By a non-established mobile brand and therefore a bit edgy

CONS:

By a non-established mobile brand and therefore likely to be rubbish

LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY FRIDAY - In association with the Sony Mylo

Poor old Sony Mylo. It looked all exciting and cool for a bit, then disappeared and we don't even know if it came out or not. Or care.

At least Sony gave us this to promote it with:



A staggering 6182 x 5400 image. The shot was apparently taken with a "Phase One P45". The original is 21.4MB, so we've made it a bit smaller - 7.5MB. You should only click on the above picture if you really want to see it, or if you want to try and get the site taken offline for using too much bandwidth.



This is her ear. Hopefully it's just been magnified by the camera and isn't actually this large in real life.



This is her eye. Dunno what she's looking at. And what's that white thing?



This is the worst cleavage shot ever.



The man in the background. He seems to be enjoying himself.



They couldn't even be bothered to Photoshop something onto the screen. That's why no one knows if the Mylo even came out or not. 5/10.

France eliminated in semis

A basic screen rotation error. What was she thinking? The FIRST thing you need to see is the screen! Button display is left down to personal preference. Amateurish.



Too busy smiling at the judges to check the orientation of the hold. All that training gone to waste. This stuff is bread and butter to the Koreans, yet the Europeans still make such basic handling mistakes.

We need to re-evaluate and rebuild European holding from a grass roots level if we're to avoid another western whitewash at the Worlds in 2009.

Ideal job found - Mars mission practise

When you read phrases like "isolation", "boredom" and "limited communication with family" you know you are about to embark up on the dream career path.

The dream career path to Mars!



Sadly, they want to conduct psychological tests first. Oh well. Back to pretending the cupboard under the stairs is a space module whenever the phone rings or the doorbell goes.

The Levi's mobile phone

The worst news is it comes with a chain to attach it to yourself. For those weird people who like to have chains hanging from their trousers, so it looks like they've just escaped from a hostage situation or prison.



The only way we'd have this phone would be if it came free with some jeans, like our only belt did. And that one's going to get broken within a week if she doesn't stop putting it in her back pocket and sitting on it. A disaster all round.

The very definition of "Pay As You Go"

This photo is everything that is wrong with modern Britain. It's not a fake - a man took it out on the streets. It's an actual person.



The wedding ring even though she's only 18. The mobile phone. The tightly pulled back hair. The cheap pendant. The Burberry handbag. The packet of fags. Textbook LIVING HELL.

Mind you...

Dance! Dance for Apacer Embedded Flash Solutions!

Boring old memory card company hires women to make it seem like its booth is the party capital of the world. With some success. It has certainly put Apacer on the map - now we just need to triangulate where these girls live and find their MySpace pages.



Their bottoms represent the smooth flowing data curve that only Apacer Embedded Flash Solutions can deliver.



Their legs, like Apacer Embedded Flash Solutions, provide a firm foundation for moving forward.



The Apacer web site makes no mention of the hot dancing models it hired to make its booth look like a fun, happening place, and instead rather foolishly focusses on Embedded Flash Solutions. That's not going to get them many Diggs.

Yepp indeed

There's something so irresistable about a nicely organised line.



It's the new Samsung Yepp, the YP-U3. It's one of those direct-to-the-USB-hole jobs, which comes in 1GB, 2GB and 4GB sizes. And it comes in colours, as illustrated in the rudimentary rainbow the above lovely has prepared.



They're very well trained, these Samsung girls. She can open up and repackage an MP3 player blindfolded in less than 10 seconds. And you couldn't even tell the cables have been unwound.

DadBot 2.0 - The replacement dad for single-parent homes

Has daddy gone? Did you make him go away? Is he "working abroad" although not so far abroad that your mum can't visit him once a fortnight to give him loads of cigarettes?



A unique multi-cultural plastic appearance makes DadBot 2.0 at home in families from any racial group, while patented AngerGuard technology stops him flying into brutal rages - even when something is spilled on the new carpet. Make beatings and oppression a thing of the past.

Woman holds sizeable flaps open

Even after having the internet for about 12 years now, we're still amazed by the size of some of the flaps on display out there.



The device is one of the awful kid-oriented TVs made by HANNspree, where HANNspree has cleverly stuck some cheap Taiwanese plastic on the front so it can charge an extra hundred quid.

The man is Troy Bayliss, who rides motorbikes around in circles as a job. He has almost certainly seen some big flaps in his time, but we would assume these are by far the largest. If you have seen any larger flaps than this, mail them in.

Great news from Japan

Moustaches are back in fashion over there. They could hit the UK by this time next year if we're lucky.



Finally, after being made a laughing stock by Freddie Mercury for 20 years, the gentleman's facial hair of choice is back.

Finally! A sexy robot for men!

Better still, this hot yellow minx has at least nine usable holes, making it ideal for entertaining when friends visit.



She also has a built-in TV so you can watch porn on her tummy.



Oh great. Ours has already engaged Sulking Mode. Are there any firmware hacks out for it yet?

Bush is still going!

And is "growing" the HD LCD TV scene by releasing a 15" portable screen that's HD compatible. Or HD compatible as long as you don't want to do anything over its 1280 x 800 resolution, which, if you're buying a 15" portable TV, you almost certainly don't.

In fact, if you're buying a 15" widescreen portable HD TV, you're no doubt extremely confused about everything to do with all technology (even light bulbs) and will be using it entirely to watch Coronation Street in the kitchen while you fry tonight's fish fingers.



Here's the press release, just in case you think a 15" portable TV with an HDMI socket is a joke we've just made up to trick the "tech blog" scene:

Bush 15.4" Widescreen LCD HD Ready TVs with HDMI interface

Bush announces its new generation of portable LCD TVs with HDMI interface to give vastly improved picture quality. Screen resolution is 1280 x 800 pixels, and with the HDMI connectivity these portable TVs deliver superb gaming graphics when connected to the latest game consoles or High Definition DVD Players and Set Top Boxes.

This stunning new range kicks-off with the stylish LCD15W008HD a 15.4" silver and black stand alone TV. Next up is the new Bush LCD15W08DVDHD, which includes an integrated DVD player making it the ideal TV/DVD combi.

Consumer can now watch high definition TV in the comfort of their bedrooms, kitchens and studies with these space-saving small screen TVs.

Both models have a host of features, but the best news of all is that both models have just hit the high street retailing at £169.99, and £249.99 respectively.

LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY FRIDAY - In association with the HTC Touch

This is a much better idea than Ladies Night. This woman's practically life-sized, or at least presented at 4992 x 3328 resolution - a photo ExifView tells us was generated by a Canon EOS-1Ds MKII.



If you have a really big widescreen monitor, you could turn it on its side, put this image on it and leave the room. Then when you come back in the room you might forget and think, for a fraction of a second, there's a woman in your house standing near your PC. Imagine that! Imagine the thrill, and also the worry that she might be looking in your folders.



This photo is so you can see the resolution generated by the EOS-1Ds MKII. Don't go gaining any weird sexual pleasure from her lovely shoes and toned ankles.



This photo is for gaining weird sexual pleasure.













These ones are just for making sure your NEVER consider buying anything made by HTC.

The 4.5kg Powerlift

Day three of the East Asian Open, and it's time for the powerlifters!



The young Korean expertly lifts the Xnote and keeps it aloft for the required 20 second photography slot. With a high-power battery pack and DVD-RW drive as standard, the Xnote is one of the heaviest machines in the desktop replacement category - yet she makes it look like an ultraportable! Look at that smile - it's like she's lifting a calculator!



A terrible error here from the Malaysian, as she is forced to use her left hand to steady the hold. Granted, she's lifting a heavier machine, but those extra difficulty points won't compensate for the left-hand correction. The judges will notice and there will be tears later, as Malaysia yet again fails to win its first medal at international level.

Two new 7" ultraportable PCs from Asus and Via

Small PCs are best as you don't mind carrying them around when out on important "business," and when attending "meetings," or when just having a laptop with you to look like you have a job involving computers instead of hairnets.

As a general rule of thumb, your laptop will seem to double in weight for every 30 minutes you carry it around without using it. Try lugging that massive £339 Acer you got from PC World around with you without dislocating a shoulder.



The Via Nanobook. Looks a little bit cheap, but then it does cost a quarter of what Sony charges for its delicate firetraps (VAIOs). It has a 1.2GHz processor, which will do for the internet and Notepad, plus it has a 30GB hard drive, wi-fi, Bluetooth, DVI and USB. Everything a big computer has.



Asus has made one as well. There must be some sort of Really Small Portable Computer Show going on somewhere in the world. It also has everything a big computer has and is called the Eee PC 701. It will cost under $200 when it launches in places other than Rip-Off Britain, thanks to being small and not coming with a hard drive - storage comes in 4GB, 8GB or 16GB chunks of flash memory.

It would appear to be aimed a certain kind of non-existent fantasy demographic of hot women PC users who laugh and giggle at all the sexually explicit MySpace messages they get. And when did white take over from pink as the 'For Girls' colour?

A Western Digital 750GB hard drive

Because the site's been getting a bit random recently, and we need to do a few updates in a row about serious things today. Otherwise new people coming in will think this is some sort of stupid blog run as part of a community adult education/rehabilitation program, instead of the UK's premiere technology news site.



It's a 750GB hard drive. There really isn't anything else to say about it, what with stuff about transfer rates and caching literally meaning absolutely nothing to us. As long as it's big enough to store all five seasons of Babylon 5 and the relevant TV movies, it will do.

It's also nice that this is a photo of the inside of something. We may well start doing more updates about the insides of things as they are quite fascinating to our semi-autistic minds.

It's also nice that this looks a bit like Granddad's old record player. Maybe we should do updates about things that look like granddad's old record player?

How many buttons is too many buttons?

This is too many buttons.



It's a Raon Everun UMPC, and just thinking about setting it up to check our POP3 email is giving us a headache and causing the kind of deep, uneasy nausea that you usually only get from having your testicles compressed to a thickness of 5mm.



At least it works both ways around, which is handy in today's world of high-resolution, portrait-aspect pornography.

OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

How far behind you is too far behind you for you to bother holding the door open for someone?

How past its use-by date is too past its use-by date when it comes to sausages?

IDIOT TOYS: Proud to be a partner of AVING

Yes! AVING, the best Korean women-holding-things site on the whole internet, is now our OFFICIAL partner. This means they have put a link to us on their slow-loading homepage. It is the ultimate honour in Korean webmastery, and we are deeply honoured by this great and most honourable honour.

The also sent us an email. In it, they explained what AVING stands for... [SPOILER]



Now we know, and have decided that IDIOT TOYS is actually an abbreviation of Internet Directory Involving Objects That Trounce Ordinary Yellow Subjects.

The BBC "Goatse" 2012 Olympic incident

The explanation beneath the artwork is best, even if it does come from B3ta, the internet's least-funny collection of smug, unemployed, self-taught web designers who think putting a baby's head on a giraffe is cutting-edge social satire.



A man taking a photo of his TV in amazement is second best:





Third best is seeing it on the news, accompanied by the Gallery music. Whatever hospital Goatse man is currently in, he must be laughing. Laughing very carefully, so he doesn't poo out his stomach.

"A look at a Japanese sex doll factory"

The dolls are created in a factory and are therefore products, so are well within our "remit" to report on.



And to try and blag one for review. Actually, we'd better have a couple for when the first one breaks under 'stress testing'.

Nokia 8600 Luna - side-on exclusive

Once again we are the only "tech blog" with the bare-faced insolence to show you a photo of the Nokia 8600 from the side - and at approximately SIXTY TIMES normal size:



This would appear to show that the 8600 is using a standard mini-USB connector, instead of the awkward proprietary Nokia connectors of old! Great news!! If there was a campaign and internet petition about making everything use mini-USB cables instead of proprietary cables, we'd definitely think about signing it.

The slogan for this campaign could be "One PC, one cable, one future".

Hopefully the cable allows the phone to synch its time with your PC's clock, meaning you don't have to look at your phone AND your PC to see what the time is, then average the two in your head to get a closer idea of what the actual time is.

Grundig is still going!

Following our March report that Grundig is still going, it would appear that Grundig is STILL going three months later and has now embraced the MP3 player market.



It is putting "Grundig" stickers on generic MP3 players bought in bulk from China, at least. This one is called the "Mpixx 2001" which might've sounded cool if it was released in 1997, back when 2001 still seemed like an exciting, far away, futuristic year.

IN NEXT WEEK'S EDITION OF RUBBISH COMPANIES WE REMEMBER:
Goldstar announces a new range of network data card solutions for small/medium businesses, then Sir Clive Sinclair announces yet another type of personal transport that is a bit worse/more expensive than existing types of personal transport.

Ladies night :(

Who would wear socks and sandals while showing off an item that SPECIFICALLY involves the feet?







One of these men was forced into it and isn't very happy.

BMW has made a mobile phone

They've called it Micky.



This proves how little BMW knows about mobile phones. Phones are named with NUMBERS, you idiots. You should've called it the BMW-MP1, where the MP stands for mobile phone and the 1 means it's the first phone you've ever made. Jesus, BMW, it's not hard.