MOST IMPROVED HOLDING: Ennavi GPS ladies

Just over a week ago we reported on Ennavi's embarrassing debut in the world of holding. Well they've certainly improved! Better lighting, headwear gimmick in full view, fewer products - nice work all round from the newcomers.



Just need the one on the right to hold her laptop a bit lower, then lean forwards a bit and we could be onto a winner. Don't worry about the one on the left - she can be cropped out in post-production.

Gadgets with FACES #7: A transmitter receiver double reverse

This one's too good to be true. The front looks like a gay robot and the back looks like a cat with a Hitler moustache.



They must've done it on purpose.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Samsung i550 GPS thing

A phone that does proper GPS is a fantasy of ours. Obviously one of the lesser-had, Certificate 15 fantasies, but being able to get a phone out, hit Google Maps and see a little arrow say where you are and how far you've just walked in the wrong direction, is a dream nonetheless.



This one might be able to do that. It has GPS. It runs the Series 60 OS which we actually know stuff about and like, can contain up to 3.2 megapixels in its camera hole, has a proper headphone socket and takes MicroSD cards so Sony makes zero money out of it.

It's probably best to wait until GPS phones get to second generation, but perhaps we'll bother some suited monkey in Carphone Warehouse for a go on one of these when we're bored over Christmas just to see if it really is The Dream or not.

Canon Selphy ES1 Infomercial

Right. That's it. All we're doing for the next eight hours is putting "infomercial" into YouTube and seeing what comes up. We might even skip lunch. This is AMAZING STUFF.



It's an emotional roller-coaster. If you're using some shit, underground, counter-culture, freetrade web browser that can't do YouTube videos, put your shame to one side and open it up in Internet Explorer. It's worth it.

Sony's NW-A910 TV Walkman

Looks nice, like the sort of thing that was The Future in 1986. Only works with the Japanese telly system, mind, so all you'll be able to watch is businessmen falling over and cartoons that all have the same plot (coming of age, special powers, bullied at school, brutal rape at the hands of OCTO-THRANG).



Takes 16GB memory sticks if you really want to please Sony's shareholders, which you can use to record stuff off the TV. Although the memory cards of most personal media players tend to get filled up with harder material obtained via Bittorrent. Like, say, Assploitations: Vol. 03.

Sanyo Xacti HD700

Still strangely fascinated by the Xacti and its odd retro curves. Sooner or later we're going to actually buy one of these things, even though we have no need to ever record a video of anything. Especially not in 720p.



The specs are a bit confusing. One the one hand it's 720p, but Sanyo also says it can do 7.1 megapixels, 3200 ISOs and five zooms. You'd think it would need more buttons on it to handle that lot.

Sharp is still bothering with Blu-ray

Someone at Sharp hasn't been paying attention to the internet or Sony's Blu-ray movie sales figures, and still thinks making Blu-ray players is a good idea. And these ones have TV tuners inside. And hard drives. And they can also burn Blu-ray discs.

They are fantasy gadgets for no one to buy.



They're called the BD-HDW20 and BD-HDW15. Not sure what difference that extra 5 makes. Maybe the 15 breaks after 15 months and the 20 after 20 months?

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeek

Some leathery old bird done up nice for Christmas.



This is to promote Ovenclean, a team of specialists that will come round and clean your oven for you. It's quite a boring job, although the perks - free cups of tea, the excitement of using someone else's toilet, getting to look through someone else's cupboards - make up for it.

THE PRESS RELEASE, WITH TWO SEPARATE HEADLINES

PUT THE SPARKLE INTO YOUR KITCHEN THIS CHRISTMAS

GIVE YOUR KITCHEN A SPARKLE THIS CHRISTMAS

Ovenclean, the UK's market leader in professional domestic oven cleaning, provides an eco-friendly and affordable solution for today's time-strapped households.

As the festive season approaches, so does the Christmas cooking marathon, with hours spent slaving away in the kitchen preparing food for family and friends.

To get ready for this onslaught, it's a good idea to make sure your oven is in tip-top shape.

A clean oven is not only more hygienic, it's also more efficient, but tackling this most-dreaded of domestic chores is something many of us put off for as long a possible.

That's because it's the most time-consuming kitchen appliance to clean and can be a nightmare job, involving spreading nasty toxic smells throughout the home.

And with all the seasonal preparations to take care of and the in-laws coming to stay, there's precious little time left to consider this much-neglected task.

So why not let the professionals at Ovenclean do the hard work and ensure your oven is ready to deal with the Christmas turkey and all the trimmings?

Operating nationwide, its teams of highly-trained, fully-insured technicians are on hand to make your oven shine like new, while you make the most of your precious free time.

In just two hours, all traces of grease, fat and burnt-on carbon deposits will be removed from your oven, restoring it to that showroom finish.

The company uses its own-brand, totally safe, non-caustic cleaning products and specialist equipment to ensure sparkling results every time.

Its cleaning process is environmentally-friendly and fume-free, leaving no residual odour or mess.

And the service is not limited to the deep-cleaning of ovens, Agas and ranges, Ovenclean can also transform your hob, extractor, microwave or even your barbecue into immaculate condition.

So if cleaning the oven is something you just can't face this Christmas, leave it to Ovenclean to put the sparkle back in your kitchen.

To book an appointment or for more information on Ovenclean's service, please call 0845 871 8000 or visit the website www.ovenclean.com.

Sony's cheaper NR Series VAIO is available in "wenge"

Obviously it's not worth the increase in household insurance costs to have one of these fire hazards in the house, but at only $750 - that's £699 at Sony's in-house exchange rate - it's the first VAIO that's nearly worth buying.



And it comes in three colours, one of which is called "wenge". Here's how Sony describes the new colours it has invented. Someone has really tried their hardest on this:

"The new series is available in three colors: Wenge -- a rich brown with copper accents; silk -- a bright white with a matte finish; and granite -- a silver hue with natural tones."

That's wenge.

WORLD BUSINESS CHAMPIONSHIPS: Ribbon torn to shreds at opening ceremony

Ten men, ten pairs of scissors, one perfectly good ribbon...



This certainly puts one over the Moscow '03 opening ceremony!

SPECIAL REQUEST! An update about Wrapstar console 'skins'

The man that is behind Wrapstar Skins asked us to do an update about them, and said he didn't even mind if we take the piss. That's how hard times are in the console skins industry.



Please note: 'Skins' is what the kids of today call 'stickers'.

World Business Championships kick off in Shanghai

Business is the order of the day, as the 13th World Business Championships get under way in the Shanghai International Business Centre.



Brian Williams, the UK's representative in Moscow '03, won't be attending this year due to failing to achieve the minimum pages per minute photocopying standard over the last 12 months.

F.A.O. MUM / DAD: For Christmas we would like...

STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION Complete Series! A 49 disc box set. 49 discs! 49 discs of Star Trek! The logistics involved in making sure each disc is in the right folder would be a nightmare, but, like Wesley Crusher in Season Five Episode Six story 'The Game' we wouldn't give up until everything was sorted out.



IMAGINE THE JOY!

Season 1:
7 discs/25 episodes
Special features:
The Beginning
Selected Crew Analysis
The Making of a Legend
Memorable Missions

Season 2:
6 discs/22 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview Year Two
Selected Crew Analysis
Starfleet Archives
Departmental Analysis
Memorable Missions
Profile: Penny Juday

Season 3:
7 discs/26 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview
Selected Crew Analysis
Departmental Briefing: Production
Departmental Briefing: Memorable Missions

Season 4:
7 discs/26 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview
Selected Crew Analysis
Departmental Briefing: Production
New Life and New Civilizations
Chronicles from the Final Frontier

Season 5:
7 discs/26 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview Year Five
Select Crew Analysis: Year Five
Departmental Briefing: Production
Departmental Briefing: Visual Effects
Departmental Briefing: Set Decoration
Memorable Missions
A Tribute to Gene Roddenberry

Season 6:
7 discs/26 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview
Bold New Directions
Departmental Briefing: Production
Departmental Briefing Profile: Dan Curry
Special Crew Profile: Lt. Cmdr. Data
Star Trek Nemesis trailer
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trailer

Season 7:
7 discs/25 episodes
Special features:
Mission Overview
A Captain's Tribute
Departmental Briefing: Production
Starfleet Moments and Memories
The Making of "All Good Things..."
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine DVD preview

Special Features Disc:
The Next Generation's Impact: 20 Years Later
The Next Generation's Legacy: 2007
Star Trek Visual Effects Magic: A Roundtable Discussion
Select Historical Data 1
Inside The Star Trek Archive
Intergalactic Guest Stars
Alien Speak
Select Historical Data 2
Inside Starfleet Academy Archives: Sets and Props
Special Profiles
Dressing The Future

WORLD-ENDING DEVELOPMENTS #1: Korea's fusion nuclear reactor

While Seoul is dreaming of cheap, clean, long-lasting nuclear energy as a result of its Nuclear Fusion Test Reactor, all we can think of is a fireball the size of the sun erupting out of the Primary Reactor Core and devouring the planet in half a second when South Korean president, Roh Moo-hyun, presses the ON button.



As Nostradamus once put it - "The small island in the east shall devour all with the energy of a billion stars".

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE/CAMERA/MULTIMEDIA CONVERGENCE DEVICE: LG Viewty

Let's just address that massive elephant sitting over there in the corner, watching TV and hoping we don't notice it. Viewty. LG Viewty. No way on earth will a man ever own a phone called "Viewty".

Happily, in utilitarian South Korea, the Viewty is known as the LG KU990. If we call it that, and tell people it's called that, it'll be OK to have.



And a five megapixel camera marks the sad point in which a mobile phone's secondary function eclipses the performance of our actual camera.

The Fujifilm Z10 FD 7.2megapixel ladycam

Not a possible NEXT NEW CAMERA as it's clearly been designed to fit inside a lady's Louis Vuitton Epi Leather Eugénie Wallet, right between the tampons and the Kit Kats.



We're doing an update on this simply to show our appreciation of that very nice 'starfish' alignment. Someone at Fujifilm spent all morning on that. Well done. The black one could do with being moved up a few millimetres, but it'd still impress the layman observer.

USB 3.0 announced - porn industry benefits AGAIN

At the moment, it takes about 45 seconds to transfer Breakin' 'Em In #10 from its secret hidden folder to a USB memory stick - with USB 3.0 that task could take a mere 4.5 seconds!



This will greatly reduce the chances of getting caught when transferring key pornography reserves between various hidden folders to avoid their detection. Another great step forward for technology driven by the porn industry.

For the full facts, check out our amazing best internet friends at AVING!

Nokia 6301 - with things we think we understand

The 6301 does "UMA" which, we think, is a way mobile phones can use their standard mobile networks and then switch to an in-home wi-fi network seamlessly. So it's sort of a Skype/mobile thing.



Or something like that. It's very hard to pay attention to Nokia press releases when there isn't any lifestyle photography to get excited about.

The GP2X F200

The GP2X is amazing. Although we've never owned, held or used one. It's clearly just amazing. Now there's an even better one. It's touch screen and costs the same as the old one.



We tried to blag one of the previous models by email about a year ago. They didn't even reply. Perhaps now we are a massive global force in the tech blogging scene we will be more successful. Perhaps they will even find this update and email us asking for an address to send one to!

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeeek

This is to promote Divorce Online. A web site that gives loans to people so they can organise a nice divorce.



This man is so happy because he's just divorced his wife for a Korean thing-holder he tracked down via the internet, and he got to keep the only two CDs of hers that he liked.

Master Chief relegated to 'gay best friend' role in Japan

This post is the underground, urban accompaniment to this one.



This is why Japan hates Microsoft. Where's the big smiley face? The thumbs up? The bold primary colours? What a rubbish corporate representative boring old Master Chief is.




Even perspective is against him. He looks like a miniature Ford Ka version of Master Chief.




At least he's not helping them do the carrying and lifting. There is some semblance of manhood left under that polystyrene case.

Sagem DESERVES to go out of business for this

This abysmal image is designed to promote the Sagem MY150X. Not only is the phone "entry level" to the max, it also looks like Sagem's just made a fake in MS Paint.



Unsurprisingly, it's available in ASDA and is on "Pay As You Go" with Orange.

Poor old Nokia announces the E51

On any other day it might've been a contender. Now it's lucky even if shit sites like this give it a look-in out of sheer boredom at 5.41pm.



No one cares. This is a sympathy update. Nokia's been good to us over the years - this is the least we can do in the face of its imminent destruction by some poncy MP3 player maker.

Too many screens spoil the shot

An extremely underwhelming debut on the holding scene from newcomer SK Energy, clearly trying a little too hard to get its "Ennavi" GPS system into shot.



The girl on the right shows promise, though. In the capable hands of Samsung's Ukranian trainer Vlad Dmortan she could really shine.

iPhone - coming to the UK, only on O2, on November 9th, for £269

At least it's only on O2, so there'll just be the one company advertising the thing everywhere and trying to ram it down/into every orifice.



O2's tarriffs start at a surprisingly-not-that-bad £35 for unlimited data transfer - once you've paid £269 for the phone. This does not mark a change of editorial stance, we are just pleased that vulnerable Appple people aren't getting ripped off as badly as usual.

Team Olympus sets new phonebox record!

Four girls, and what? Ten cameras? Imagine the smell in there! Half perfume and hair, half hot plastic. A wonderful, intoxicating mixture.



Hopefully this photo wasn't taken with an Olympus camera, as that's some really quite awful low light performance.

That's a lovely...

...a very nice... some sort of...



Media PC? Wireless router? As pleasing as this is to behold, those girls are doing a terrible job. No one's paying attention to the product. Self-centred cows. At least the one on the right is leaving something to the imagination.

0% mercury, 100% taste

It's a Swedish energy drink! This doesn't count as a battery update, so you don't have to all stop reading. It's a drink update, which is neutral as we've never done one before.



"Here are some shots I took the other day in the duty free shop of a Swedish ferry. If there's a 'premium content' area of Idiot Toys you might like to stick these photos in it, as this is gold content right here and no mistake. I've even cropped them all down to 450px wide and colour corrected them for you. I probably deserve some kind of medal. Theo - www.animalreviews.com."



Good to see Sweden has also adopted the easy-opening, litter-reducing attached can opening system. The only European country to still use detachable ring pulls is, as you might expect, bloody France. They voted against the switch-over in a 1994 referendum.



Nice premium brushed aluminium base.

Things only men are allowed to demonstrate #2: Photocopiers

Not sure why. Perhaps women waste too much toner by printing out recipes and accidentally printing 1111 copies when they only wanted one?



Perhaps it's the dizzying array (more than two) of buttons?



We have already established that only men are allowed to demonstrate touch screens. Where next for this exciting new regular feature?

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Courtesy of STMicroelectronics. It's to promote some sort of chip. A chip that brings people together.



Brilliant early-90s business design. The chip has literally just brought those two together. Hopefully that's her mum or older sister.



This one's also from STMicroelectronics. It looks like a funny robot spider. Thanks, STMicroelectronics. You are today's company of the day.




Just one more, then we'll leave STMicroelectronics alone, before this week turns into STMicroelectronics week. This one shows how its chips can be used in both business and leisure applications, and are easy enough even for women.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Samsung F700 / Croix

Only because with a screen that size the clock potential is HUGE:



Unhindered by buttons, we could be looking at a clock display resolution of at least 352 x 416. A nice blue 80s digital font would look superb against that black case. You could even replace your bedside alarm clock with it!

Vodafone's just said it's releasing this one over here in time for Christmas, which is why we're "doing something on it" even though it's quite old, before you bloody start.

Anyone want to chip in on a bulk order?

If we all put in a tenner we could get a good discount.



Fortunately, the Idiot Toys hairline is officially classified as only mildly thinning. This won't be needed for at least another three years.

THE PRESS RELEASE
The Bald and the Beautiful: stateside sensation Bald Guyz "head" care range launches

Be a Smooth Operator..

Baldness, it’s an unfortunate fact of life for most blokes with almost a third appreciably bald by the age of 30 and nearly all suffering from a degree of hair loss by the time they reach 60. There are currently over ten million baldies in the UK.

But with celebrity slapheads such as Andre Agassi, Billy Zane, Bruce Willis and Philip Green demonstrating that you can have a glittering career and have no problem attracting the ladies there’s never been a better time to go bare. And of-course, let’s not forget those men who choose to keep it trim – including Thierry Henry, Phil Vickery and Freddie Lundberg.

Most products aimed at bald men try to disguise the issue or encourge re-growth but new Stateside phenomenom Bald Guyz encourages men to boldly go bald. It’s a collection of “head” care products specifically designed for the follicaly challenged or those keeping their hair to a minimum. US star smoothies such as Kevin Youkilis, Boston Red Sox First Baseman and Chirs Shearn, YES-TV Network Sportscaster and from September it’s available in larger Boots stores nationwide.

Bald Guyz was devised by former comb-over wearer Howard Brauner who was so paranoid about anyone noticing he was bald he spent ages creating complicated styles with hairspray. One terrible hair day the humidity caused his comb-over to melt and Howard decided to grin and bare it and shaved off the remainder. He then realized that a bald head needed care too but was unable to find products aimed at his needs. Spotting a gap in the market Bald Guyz launched in 2005 and is now available in over 25,000 outlets across all the major US chains.

Celeb hairdresser Marc Davidson of Marc Daniels says “Bald scalps or men wearing a grade number one or two cut still need to take care of their head (and what hair they have) – up until now it’s been a bit of a hit and miss affair with nothing available which has the needs of the bald man in mind. Bald Guyz is fantastic because not only does the range look and feel great but the products have been specifically formulated with the needs of the bald scalp.”

The range consists of:

Head Wipes

Have you ever wondered why bald heads are shiny? Well it’s because the scalp has more oil secreting glands than anywhere else on the body. Bald Guyz has the perfect product to combat this shine – its Head Wipes. The Green Tea enriched wipes both cleanse and moisturize and leave a refreshing cool sensation after use.
16 individual wipes per box. £5.99

Ultimate Shave Gel

Bald Guyz Ultimate Shave Gel is a clear gel which gives a smooth and close shave without irritation. As the gel is clear it allows you to see what you’re doing making sure that there are no stray hairs left behind. This lubricated formula is packed full of moisturizers and ensures that the razor glides over the skin. The vitamin and protein enriched antioxidant formula prevents nicks, razor bumps and irritation. 160 ml £6.99

Moisture Gel

Bald heads are easily irritated and prone to drying out with sun, wind and cold all taking their toll. Add shaving into the equation and then you can see why a bit of TLC might be in order! Bald Guyz water-based moisturizer with added natural moisturizers Aloe Vera and Green Tea, Grapeseed, Chamomile, Calendula and Willow Herb is the perfect post shave treatment or can be applied following sun exposure. It absorbs quickly to soothe dry skin and irritations wherever they may occur. 118ml £6.99

Bald Guyz is available from www.baldguyz.com and larger Boots stores nationwide.

The Motorola ROKR W5

It might be RoKR, actually, or maybe rOKR. Either way it doesn't matter, as this is the first and last time we'll ever bother typing it as it's the ugliest phone to come out since 1993.



And the 'funky' background screen saver is interfering with the all-important digits of the clock. Basic design flaw.

Logitech: Ruining laptops since 1989

So you've spent loads of money on a really fancy laptop. You've cleared all the magazines off the desk so it looks all minimal and nice. Now it's time to attach the Logitech AudioHub and RUIN EVERYTHING.



The best computer is a silent computer. The best computer is a computer without loads of wires hanging off it and rubbish speakers around it. What has Logitech ever actually contributed to the world?

Sony trots out yet more boring MP3 players for no one to buy

It has to keep releasing these things, so the shareholders think they're at least making some sort of effort to compete with Apple in the 'portable space'.



Video Walkmans. The NW-S710F has noise cancelling features, the S610F doesn't. They both have radios. The headphones look a bit painful. Sony will be along with some more that will once again totally fail to capture the public's interest in a few weeks.

The LG XNOTE E200

We've already made our feelings clear on the subject of coffee being near a laptop, yet still they don't listen. Get the coathangers, Steve, we've got some lessons to hand out.



One day they will learn how to change the browser's home page from the default home page.

The Sony Rolly SEP-10BT

Imagine this piece of shit rolling up every bus and train aisle across the country, blaring out whatever 18-year-old R&B sensation is currently wanking off Simon Cowell and therefore famous.



This may sound like an exaggeration, but the Sony Rolly is the greatest disaster to hit humanity since the second world war.

GADGETS with FACES #6

AGGHH! GOD NO!



It's a very terrified mouse. It's clearly looking at the same porn as you, only it hasn't been through the decade-long desensitisation process necessary to mask its horror and disgust.

Really Big Printer Month, Day 1: HP Indigo 5500

Kicking off Really Big Printer Month, it's the HP Indigo 5500:



What a beauty! You know something's big when it also doubles as a table and has built-in drawers. And she's standing on its wooden support plinth.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW CAMERA: Nikon Coolpix S700

Sometimes all you really want is a pretty brushed metal case :(



It has image stabilisation, so, once again, we can all roll out the old joke about using it while wanking, or while having it stuck to the end of a broom handle and doing an upstairs window shot.

Sony Ericsson has gone INSANE

Using photographs of men to illustrate your products? It's commercial suicide, even more so than having a badge saying "Sony" on the front.



This one also looks like a student. A student wearing ironic sunglasses and carrying a few rare 12s in his record bag to "play out" tonight. We shouldn't be giving this the oxygen of publicity.



Not sure what demographic this is meant to appeal to. Gay delivery men?

We are also sort of obliged to do something about the new iPod Nano which does video

Wider, uglier, £99 for a 4GB model.



Heart's not in it today.

We are obliged to do something about The iPod Touch

From what we can gather from disinterestedly scanning through the specs, it's either an iPhone without the phone or an iPod with wi-fi and Apple's Safari browser.



Both of which have the same amount of appeal as sitting on the toilet for 24 hours with aggressive food poisoning.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW CAMERA: Panasonic Lumix DMC L10

It's one of those big ones. Although, apparently, it's a bit smaller than the biggest of the big ones so might just be carryable aroundable.



It has a very big window on the front for letting the pictures in. Must be good.

HOLDING WORLD 2007: Samsung wins!

Well, we've had a great time here in Shanghai! So many holds, so many products, so many upcoming manufacturers and keen, young, eager to please holders that'll do anything to get the nod. It'll be a shame to leave, but before we get on that plane... here's the winner!

Samsung pulled it off, as it invariably does on these big occasions. There's something so artistic, so magical, so perfect about this picture - it's easy to see why it triumphed.



You don't need a spirit level - the eye alone can see that's a perfect hold. Attaining such a precise angle while looking away and under the immense pressure of competition is a sensational performance. Well done to holder Jenny Wan and her coach, former Ukranian trainer Vlad Dmortan.



The sole British entrant, AMSTRAD's Joanne Williams, missed the cut and finished in 43rd after leaning on and breaking the stand of her LCD screen.

HOLDING WORLD 2007: Samsung shiny box thing

And here come the big guns - Samsung's Mi-Yin Tan and her sister Ma-Wen. There's a lot riding on this - Samsung's form has been indifferent leading up to these championships, they really need to produce something special.



This is good. This is very good. Two different expressions, a great sense of depth and the photographer is working in synch with the ladies to get background and foreground in focus simultaneously. The product, always the most important part, remember, is nice and prominent. This will take some beating.



A beautiful flourish, although her fingers are obscuring a small part of the bottom of the box. The judges will mark her down a point for that.



Well, she's trying hard, but that expression is more one of pain than of joy. The clever footwork will please the judges, but is it enough?

HOLDING WORLD 2007: "Unrealistic" Hewlett Packard dumped out in quarters

Women don't play golf, and the ones that do are blothcy-faced, German lesbians. There has to be some base of realism in any good hold - and this one's not fooling anybody.



The judges made the very good point that if the ball was 50 yards off the course, or only 15 yards away from the tee the photo may well have been acceptable.

HOLDING WORLD 2007: Pantech in underage holding scandal

Post competition DNA tests on Lin-Kai Hom (left) and Jin-Wa Tan revealed that the girls were not, as suggested by Pantech, 24-year-old technology graduates with a penchant for art and design.



It's so obvious looking back at it - only a child would be this happy to be associated with such a tatty-looking mobile.