Free consultancy for the Blu-ray consortium

Spider-Man 3 is shit. Blu-ray is shit. Putting the two together does not somehow magically create a super-desirable package that will make the citizens of Earth suddenly decide to bin their 48.7 billion DVDs and rebuy everything on a marginally superior disc format. To be blunt.



This sort of advice usually costs thousands from proper consultancies. Consider yourselves blessed. Now we don't want to ever hear about Blu-ray again and consider the case closed.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

It's for a vacuum cleaner. That's the woman who designed the vacuum cleaner. She doesn't look too pleased about being made to pose with it, but it was presumably in the contract she signed so she's only got herself to blame for this mess.



It is an Electrolux Ultrasilencer. They should've used capital letters and called it the Electrolux ULTRASILENCER. That makes a big difference.

POSSIBLY NOT EXISTING NEXT NEW PHONE: Nokia N96

We found this series of photos of a supposed Nokia N96 on some Russian mobile blog we were browsing while on the hunt for East European holding photos. It's either real or a very good fake.



It looks rather stupid and isn't an iPhone clone, so is probably a fake. But the Russian specs seem quite convincing.

THE RUSSIAN SPECS SEEM QUITE CONVINCING:

Технические характеристики Nokia N96:

* Сеть: GSM / GPRS / EDGE (850 / 900 / 1800 / 1900 МГц), WCDMA / HSDPA (2100 МГц)
* Дисплей: сенсорный, 3.2 дюйма, 16 млн цветов
* Камера: 6 мегапикселей, оптика Carl Zeiss
* Объем встроенной памяти: 10 Гб
* Wi-Fi
* Bluetooth 2.0
* miniUSB 2.0
* ИК-порт
* GPS
* QWERTY-клавиатура
* 3.5 мм гнездо
* Четыре динамика
* Мобильное телевидение
* FM-радио
* Датчик движения
* Размеры: 102.5 x 56 x 17.6 мм
* Вес: 115 граммов

Celebrate the onset of winter with the LG Rumour

It's minus ten out there on the desolate South Korean beaches, but they're powering through. It always has to be summer in the holding world.



It's all rather unnecessary, but at least they're not showing their feet.



Things have certainly changed since Dame Elizabeth Hamilton, the first modern holder, launched the holding scene as we know it today by daringly displaying her wrists in this sexy shot from 1922.

Dame Elizabeth was imprisoned and later hanged in 1929 for obscene behaviour.

R.I.P. Puma sportswear

Breakdancing in space? Has it really come to this?



Happy memories of childhood Puma trainers DESTROYED.

SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING: Girls admire Suzuki PIXY drivers

The story is as follows: That man was unlucky in love. He was also quite poor. Luckily, the Sukuzi PIXY is extremely affordable. He bought one and girls flocked to him. The moral of the story is that this could happen to you if you buy one. The End.



Or maybe she's a prostitute and has just told him where to park up.

Nice double hand job from Team Fujifilm

One hand each! Super work, ladies. Shame the skin tones of the hands and nail varnish choices don't quite match, but that sort of adds to the aura of excitement. It's like Captain Kirk snogging that green woman.



The finger on the left is masking a 4mm square section of the front of the camera, though, which is frankly DISGUSTING. She'll never work in this industry again. It's on with the hairnet and back to the LCD screen manufacturing facility for poor Lin-Kwan.

LG Shine "Wood"

They have taken the theme literally by going out to a wood and making sure there is a tree in the background, just in case you've never been out or live in a big Korean city where there aren't any trees for comparison purposes.



Such a nice intimate photo. A lot is left to the imagination. They could be totally naked. There could be a purple octopus monster grabbing at both of their ankles and about to drag them back through its space portal into Dimension HELL.

The Piano evolves - Holding 2.0 emerges

We first exclusively revealed the piano display technique back at Holding World 2007. Two months is a long time in the holding scene - behold the Double Piano! This is Holding 2.0!



The one on the left seems a bit embarrassed about it, but she'll soon learn. This is the direction the scene is moving in, and if she doesn't like it Samsung has 1000s of other willing and pliable 17-year-olds desperate to take her place.

An EVEN BETTER photo of the Cyber-shot T2

This will teach us to go uploading news on the same day it's announced. From now on there will be a three day delay on everything posted here, so the Koreans have enough time to get a dummy one in for a photoshoot.



Hat indicates winter release date. Books on shelf indicate model is keen on intellectual type.

Blu-ray sneaking into the lead in format war

Just remember - the more desperate they get for sales, the higher those hemlines will go. Which is a very good reason to hold out until at least 2011 before making a decision about which pointless HD format to support.



There's only one way HD DVD can retaliate now - bikinis!

A super-audio CD player for $3400

The top thing is the Yamaha CD-S2000 SACD player. The bottom thing is an amplifier to make it work. Both cost $3400 each, so you can play a much smaller variety of music.



The amp hasn't even got a screen on it, and that remote's hardly got any buttons at all. And they take up way too much space. We are clearly needed in product design consultancy.

The Ixos Disco Cube

You will know it's time to exit the office Christmas party when some idiot gets out one of these and starts being an "iPod DJ" with an ironic selection of 80s classics.



If there is a god, he will wait until everyone who wants one of these buys one of these, then he will hit the DETONATE AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT button.

A better photo of the Cybershot T2

It's less effort to write a new update than to edit an old one, funnily enough.



She is an over-polished monster, but that's one hell of an arrangement. We are particularly impressed by her hand placement - that black model would fade into the background were it not for her gentle cradling of it.

Mobile technology boosts "glasses porn" industry

Now, whenever you want a sexy science teacher or a naughty schoolgirl, just take a photo and the dream is yours.



Now we just need a little in-phone application that slims down the faces of the women we drunkenly took photos of last night. A simple photo tool ought to be able to automatically remove most of the scabs from around their mouths.

Sony's new DSC T2

The "thing" about it is it has 4GB of brain inside it, so you can store lots of photos of trees and houses and [FRIGHTENING SEX REFERENCE] on it without having to buy a memory card.



It has a screen, comes in some colours and judging by those fingernails and the lack of confusing "buttons" is mainly meant for women.

Big man marvels at little thing

He'll be wondering who exactly has fingers small enough to press those teeny little buttons.



Then thinking "fuck it" and getting 12 Krispy Kremes and a pasty for the train home.

Unnecessary Developments in Technology #1: The Sharp SH-920 Aquos mobile

Is it THAT MUCH OF A CHORE to just turn your phone sideways?



There's no point in any of it. Phones can't do video. It'll be in the wrong format. You'll have to convert it and it'll still be in the wrong format. It'll take ages to copy across and won't fit on your memory card. That is what happens, fancy rotating screen or not.

Come on Evesham! Cheap 1080p TVs for the masses

Evesham's knocking out a 1080p LCD for £649. At the time of writing, that's cheap. This is good. Sony depends on income from its over-priced Bravia range to stay afloat. Everyone's doing their bit to bring the bastards down.



Obviously the Alqemi VX looks utterly rubbish, but if a few hundred stupid people buy it that's a few grand less in the Sony accounts at the end of Q4. Every little bit helps.

Pikachu in public GROUP SEX SHAME

Two girls are holding its genitals open, while a third stands guard. God knows what they're about to do. This is the new Goatse. Horrifying.



Stole this from here. They have no idea what INTERNET GOLD they've uncovered.

"Jacuzzi iPod Bath Tub Picture Gallery"

That is the exact phrase we dream of seeing pop up on the "wires". Dreams CAN come true.



In our dreams the images are slightly more explicit and the water is thick with blood, but this is still a good match.



Something deeply inappropriate is about to happen (Steve sets his iPod to random play then refuses to skip to the next track when Michael Bolton comes on).



Needless product close-up.



It's a J400 jacuzzi with an iPod dock for entertaining fellow swingers. If they ever sell one they should be bloody pleased about it.

Sony VAIO G fire safety manual

Sony has very kindly released this useful online guide which covers what to do in the eventuality (inevituality) of your Sony laptop catching on fire.



It's all in Japanese, but the photos are quite easy to understand. This move will save an estimated 200 lives a year.

SUICIDE ALERT: Look out for any man buying R2-D2 PC speakers

To buy a pair of R2-D2 PC speakers is to admit you have failed in life. Staring at these every day, thinking about how you are 37 and still obsessed with Star Wars, while wondering why everyone else has moved on and isn't living solely for the day the original trilogy comes out on Blu-ray.



If you know of anyone thinking of buying R2-D2 PC speakers, please offer them a shoulder to cry on. Their self-inflicted death could be minutes away.

The worst promotional image EVER

And it's for a Sony product. The Sony Ericsson MBS100 Portable Bluetooth Speaker. Look at the story they are telling. It is a simple story, a story of everyday folk who know how to breakdance and then go breakdancing in the nearest run-down urban environment.



They are no doubt listening to a "bootleg mash-up" the man put together on his home DJ set-up last night.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Nokia N810 internet thing

Ignore the fact that people might think it's an iPhone. It has a 4.13" screen with obvious pornography advantages, plus it supports Skype so you can tell people your phone supports Skype and rest safe in the knowledge that should you ever have to make an actual phone call, you may be able to do it in a slightly cheaper way.



The only downer is the use of that generic map solution. If it's not Google Maps there's no point. Can someone from Google please post in the comments bit about the Google phone operating system - ie, when it's arriving, how much it'll cost, what phones it'll operate on and the pricing plans. Thanks.

Microsoft found guilty of over-selling

It's just a keyboard and mouse, love, reign it in a bit. No one's been this excited about USB devices since Sir Urquhart Steven Billington, the format's inventor, displayed the first-ever USB device back in 1991.



Yes, OK, it's one of those novelty keyboards everyone says is "more ergonomic" but no one can be bothered to learn how to use. It's still not worth sucking your fingers about.



Unless that webcam can do 32megapixels and see through clothes this is also taking things a bit too far. USB keyboards and webcams only require tracksuit trousers and t-shirts, not full space-slut booth-babe regalia.

Goodmans is still going!

Goodmans is alive, well, financially viable, and can be found churning out portable karaoke machines for the sort of person who might be into that sort of thing.



They've also just discovered silver.

PREVIOUSLY ON 'STILL GOING' WATCH:

Bush!

Grundig!

A tantalising glimpse into the future, with Dell XPS M1730

This is what all women will look like in the future, when they stop being so weird about genetics and start letting men design and buy girlfriends on the internet.



It has a graphics card, an NVIDIA GeForce 8700M GT, which may or may not be good as we stopped paying attention to graphics cards in the late 1990s. When we say "it" we mean the laptop. Women have to be referred to as "she" or they get angry.

CATSeye GPS tracking device for "motorbikes"

What they really mean is "ladies handbags."

IDEAL FOR SEEING IF SHE REALLY IS GOING TO HER MUM'S (OUR HEADLINE NOT THEIRS)

Low cost Micro GPS tracker for Vehicles

CATSeye are now happy to release details of their latest covert product for the GPS Tracking of all smaller motor vehicles including Motorbikes, Quad-bikes and Jet-skis.

Until now, trying to get a small and affordable GPS tracking device to track smaller vehicles such as Motorbikes has been almost impossible. Those devices that were small enough to be fitted to such vehicles could only be fitted in one general area, making it easy for any thief to locate and disable.

The CATSeye SVT (small vehicle tracker) uses GPS and GPRS/GSM and incorporates a sensitive movement sensor. It is the size of a box of matches and can even be laid out flat so as to aid its deployment in cramped spaces.

"Surprisingly, the overall statistics of motor vehicle theft (cars) are generally on the decrease, yet this is still the industry that most vehicle tracking systems are designed for. However, the theft of motorbikes and other small yet similar vehicles such as quad-bikes is actually on the increase and yet there are very few devices being made to suit this market." Lee Walkey MD

The CATSeye SVT is small enough to hidden almost anywhere on these vehicles and once it has been hard-wired, it is a very cost effective way of tracking them.

"Perhaps the most important advantage of this device over other, more complex systems is the cost! At only £199.00 ex vat for the unit and NO monthly fees other than a SIM card.(even this can be as low as £1.50 per month see http://www.tariffman.co.uk ), it’s easy to see its attraction." Lee Walkey MD

The CATSeye SVT is available now and for more information on the CATSeye SVT, please contact Lee Walkey MD on info@cats-eye.net and for information on Low cost GPRS and GSM SIM cards please visit http://www.tariffman.co.uk

The Nokia 2135 features a "400-entry phonebook"

And that really is its best feature. It's the feature Nokia headlines with in the very first paragraph of the press release, the feature that sets this phone apart and means you shouldn't be ashamed of its embarrassingly low, not-ending-in-a-zero number designation.



Here are the other features, including a voice recording facility to help you remember "where the car is parked at the mall."

THE OTHER FEATURES:
"An integrated speakerphone allows the whole family to join in the conversation at once, while user-assignable ringtones can announce who is calling without ever picking up the phone. For keeping everyday life organized, a built in calendar means that birthdays and anniversaries are never forgotten, and a built-in voice recorder can store up to 60 seconds of audio notes at a time, providing an effortless way to be reminded of everything from picking up milk at the store to where the car is parked at the mall."

Canadian women can only use computers when lying down

Not sure whether this is due to personal preference or Canadian laws, but the evidence spotted on the Canadian Yahoo! cannot be denied. The only two Canadian women we've seen using computers do so lying down, therefore they all must.



Where are their tables? Is this fashionable in Canada? Can someone from Canada please explain why your women eschew tabletop computing for lying on uncomfortable laminated surfaces.

*Jingle* Promotional images of the weeeek

Yes, at only 5.02pm on Monday. Nell McAndrew is releasing a fitness DVD for Christmas and these are the celebratory photographs. This will not be bettered for at least seven days.





The only way this can be beaten is if Girls Aloud launch a ketchup bottle-shaking game for Wii.

Flap dangerously open

This could blow at any minute. It's so obvious. How could she miss it? It's like the time Olga Kourinenko demonstrated a Goldstar component hi-fi with a CD on the record deck. Disastrous for the poor thing.



And even if disaster is averted she might get fluff in the memory card slot, which is unsightly at best.

Celebrity holding double bill

Here's one of Beyonce having a go at it.



As you'd expect from the athletic young star, she's a natural. If we had to criticise, that dress is perhaps a little overpowering - viewers will be drawn to its semi-transparency and might not even notice the telephone.



That's Sharleen Spiteri out of that boring old band. She's not such a natural. This explains that downward sales blip Apple suffered last April.

Loads of new Motorolas

The W series. We all know what that stands for.



Paying attention to new Motorola phones is like reading about innovations in the feminine hygiene world. It's never going to be something we need to know about.



And this is the U9, Motorola's latest innovation in the feminine hygiene world. Motorola really ought to give up on phones and retreat back to its core business of making washers for taps.

Samsung goes with 330 as well

This is the Samsung F330. Nokia has already done a 330 and so has LG. That is three 330s. It must be some sort of digital conspiracy.



The entire point of this update was to say that we noticed a phone had the same model number as two other phones by different companies. There are no secret levels upon which this entry suddenly become interesting, clever or funny.

*Jingle* Promotional image of the weeeeek

Describing yourself as "metrosexual" was only cool and clever for three days during the summer of 2002, and even then you'd consider yourself lucky for getting away with only punches to the body afterwards.



"Eggs... milk... bread for toast... lube..."

The K630i comes in Havana Gold too

Now, and this hurts on many levels, but the faux woodgrain effect you can sort of make out in Sony Ericsson's ludicrous brown K630 is... not the most repulsive thing in the world.



That's as close as we can get to a compliment of a product made by a company with the S-word in its name.

Woman pulls in launderette with Sony Ericsson W910i

Sony's latest PR shots for the W910i tell a beautiful love story. It is a story about a woman showing off her phone, then getting it on with a man she met in a launderette. This is sending out a very bad message to the kids about it being OK to have sex with men who hang around in launderettes.



Here she is, acting all innocent - but using her Sony Ericsson W910i to lure in that suspiciously hunky man in the background.



He's fallen into her trap! The subtext to this photo is something like "music brings people together, especially on the launderette-based casual sex scene." Hopefully Sony will bring out a model that works the other way round, as we'd rather not get male models all over us on the rare occasions we get our phone out to make sure that was someone else's ringtone and not our ringtone.



Oh dear. He's already bored of her and has resorted to concentrating really hard on his phone to avoid having to talk any more. The colour names are disappointing. The red one is called "Hearty Red" and the black one is "Noble Black."

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Samsung i617

It's a serious business phone, for proper grown-ups, so they haven't bothered getting any hot honeys to flounce around holding it. It is therefore doomed.

Samsung also seems to be targeting people who have "strategy meetings" with other people called "Shay". We are several light years away from being part of that demographic.



It does Windows Mobile 6, has a big screen for looking important and like your phone cost more than everyone else's stupid little phones, plus it has HSDPA for when you really need Highly Secure Digital Pornography Availability.

Samsung's YP-S5 works both ways round

Not really impressed by this fact. It's an MP3 player, they're never usually that dependent on orientation to begin with. In fact, thinking about it, we've never read or even heard any third-hand reports of MP3 players suffering from problems playing music due to orientation alone.

Show it working in space, or on the moon, or at over 100 miles an hour and we might be won over.



It's 2007 for god's sake, this is like expecting us to be impressed by fire or that trick granddad does with a boiled egg and a tea towel.

Haier knows how to draw a crowd

Free porn showing over at the Haier TV booth! All you have to do is stand there and look interested for a bit while a sweaty man in a suit tells you about how many sockets and colours it's got even though he's not too sure himself.



If we're not very much mistaken, that's taken from Private Tropical #16: Sun, Beach & Sex. Or it could be Cherry Sux from Long & Deep Beach #13.



And that's Mike Christopher from Very Realistic Transsexuals You Probably Would #4.

Robot women are stealing all our men

It's an outrage. Or it's perfectly okay. Not sure which, but there's definitely something mildly unsettling about it.



MORAL: If you don't wear shoes you're going to hurt your feet.

An iPod t-shirt

Or, more accurately, a t-shirt with a pocket on it for loads of extra money. Made by these idiots, although, having dabbled in the t-shirt industry, we have to admire the skill and audacity involved in charging £37 for a really cheap t-shirt with a little extra bit sewn on it.



And we only clicked on the link as the mannequin looked quite sexy. Today's not been going well.

Samsung's SyncMaster 245T burlesque peep show

STOP! WAIT! Scroll down very slowly. This one's a right tease. She starts off looking like a boring old school teacher, then it goes a bit 'Basic Instinct' the lower you go.



She wants us to think she doesn't know - but SHE KNOWS! She is a willing accomplice in this DARING INTERNATIONAL SEX GAME. We'd certainly like to rotate her 90 degrees, then rest one hand on her head and hold a corner with the other, and then have a clone of her the other way up on the other side.

Actually, no, that's a bit complicated and now we're confused and have lost interest and would rather just go to sleep.

LG's new amp is sweet, like the Chocolate phone, and there's a girl

Engadget could probably come up with a really clever and funny headline to illustrate this. We'll just focus on that girl's lovely upright posture and incredibly rigid point.



She shouldn't be wearing dark nail varnish when highlighting a dark product, though, and the dress blends in a bit with the background. Plus, ideally, the index finger would be aligned better with the forearm. Good god, the more you look at it the more it goes wrong!

WORLD-ENDING DEVELOPMENTS #2: Craig Venter's ALIEN LIFE FORM

Yes, the "Mycoplasma genitalium" looks very cute and harmless there in its test lab photo, but once it gets into the water supply, mutates, then eradicates all forms of plant life in the ocean within six days, it'll have to be given a new name. Like KILLER BUG WE-46. And WE stands for World End. 46 is how many days are left.



Or it might become airborne and wipe out all the insects. In the short term this would be great as there would be no little flies around the bin, so you wouldn't have to clean the bin, but in the long term it'd wipe out all plant life. And no plant life means no cereal or toast, and therefore mass starvation of all men.

Japan launches new woman barcoding initiative

Once they've been tagged you can check up on them via GPS. Simple. Now, if you're at home and hungry, you can check how far away she is - then work out how long it'll be until dinner gets started and decide if it's worth having a quick sandwich now or not.



The test phase, which sees the important, attractive women getting tagged, will run until 2011. Then the horrible job of tagging and cataloging all the ugly ones begins.

POSSIBLE NEXT NEW PHONE: Benq E72

Its use of Windows Mobile 6 should open up some interesting possibilities for third-party clock applications, plus it should make it slow and crash all the time to properly recreate that desktop feel.

Nokia must be very angry that BenQ has used "E72" up, though. Somewhere inside Nokia there must be a prototype called E72, as it's already done an N72 and there aren't that many other numbers left.



And it's nice because it's BenQ and no one owns anything by BenQ, so using the menus will be like embarking on a brave voyage of discovery just like a multimedia and housebound version of Bruce Parry.

LG's LW25 Core Duo X-NOTE was revealed in 2006

But we just so happened to innocently stumble across these very entertaining photos of the dual core laptop on the internet, so might as well do something about it.



The way we innocently stumbled across these pictures was by putting "LG" into Google Images and scrolling through the results to see if any interesting photos of women and things came up. That really is what passes for journalism these days.



This DOES NOT mean we are endorsing the use of a laptop near/beside a swimming pool. If that was our laptop we'd just spent £720 on, those girls would be in serious trouble for larking about with it in the hotel pool when we have to use it for work later.

A PHONE WE'LL NEVER GET WITHIN 100 METRES OF: Vertu Ascent Ti

It's a leather-backed luxury phone that costs over £3000. At least it has a 3megapixel camera. Look at all those tiny screws. That's why it's so expensive.



You can get it for free on Orange if you pay £899 a month for 1,000,000 text messages and 499,999 minutes.

No more updates today due to eleictricty porablem

This is what happens when you go and bloody let foreigners into the country to run our glorious traditional kebab shops.



The best thing about this is the "A" in porablem, which appears to have been inserted later. As if there was actually a behind-the-scenes conversation about the correct spelling of these words.

LG Voyager leads the march of the iPhone clones

We expected better from LG. If you want a proper phone you'd better buy one now and take care of it, because all you'll be able to get in 12 months time is increasingly plasticky iPhone rip-offs.



It's different and original because it has a couple of proper buttons on the front. It is at least 3G capable, so can do Graphics and Games on the Go.

DEFINITE NEXT NEW PHONE: Sanyo Infobar 2

Clock heaven!



So clear! So clean! So bright! Such a sharp font! The surrounding white line emphasises the time and draws your eye toward the digits. That is the best clock implementation on a modern mobile phone. Sensational.