“BUT I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO PLUG ALL THE CABLES BACK IN AGAIN, AREN’T I? WHERE HAVE YOU PUT THEM? HAVE YOU STUFFED THEM INTO A CARRIER BAG AND ARE THEY VERY TANGLED?”

Today we’ll be giving you a look at how the online world edits images, using a popular photo manipulation tool known as Photoshop. It’s the secret the celebrities use to help them keep looking young and also how they construct complicated drawings, like pictures of proposed skyscrapers and cars that don’t yet exist.

This is the image we’ll be using as our base for the demonstration. There are one or two unsightly flaws in this picture we would like to eliminate.

In order to do so, open your legitimately purchased copy of Photoshop and activate the “eraser” tool from the floating left menu bar, then wave it around a bit over the parts of the photograph you would like to make disappear.

After some time (10-15 minutes at a moderate waving pace), you should end up with a significantly more pleasing image, suitable to adorn the cover of any stylish glossy magazine.

Fizzy miso soup, for that satisfying blend of sweet and savoury and a comforting bloated tummy feeling.

“If you even so much as THINK about turning the heating on so you can stand there like that I swear I will go out and dig through the gas pipes myself. It’s the 9th of MAY and therefore never so cold that a jumper and some good socks can’t fix it. Still, glad to see you got my email about what should and should not go in the fridge.”

LG C100 Cheese Fridge. Chuck it in through the top swing lid, take it out of the bottom and apply to/put between toast when needed. Red one comes with a curved bottom for safely controlling tricky edams. Yellow operative available by special arrangement with local supplier.

No one’s showing off the back of the device, leading us to suspect this elaborate display has been designed to detract our attention from a proprietary operating system. 6/10.

She’s now cleared to move up to the trickier “woollen” category.

The left one makes the wafers, the right one applies the chocolate. Cut to size (attachment due Q3) for the ultimate in bespoke Kit Kats. But don’t do it on the carpet until you’ve got good at it.